I question the stability of some of the men who’ve sent me email messages. I make it a point to always respond—something I’ve learned doesn’t happen often in the online dating community. I feel a reply is the proper thing to do even when the sender has obviously not read my profile and what I’m looking for.
Here’s what I write most often:
Thank you for your email message. Unfortunately, as my profile states, I am only interested in dating men who live in Manhattan. It seems to get complicated rather quickly otherwise.
I wish you much success in finding the right person. Thank you again for your interest.
Simple, kind, and no hurt feelings—I’m not rejecting them just their zip code.
BUT, there have been a few instances when boilerplate won’t do. These personalized messages are sent to men who either write something offensive, or have a cringe-worthy profile. I thought I’d regularly share some of the most entertaining examples as they come my way.
Here’s a message I got recently:
Hi, I think you are beautiful. Call me so we can chat. Norman 914-XXX-XXXX
So much for small talk—just call and chat. After all, he thought I was beautiful. What more did I need to know? Norman was from White Plains, NY so my standard response was perfect. Then something caught my eye. At the top of every email is a portion of the sender’s profile.
Here’s what I saw:
I LOVE SEX…..I AM 6’0” WITH AN ATHLETIC BUILD PLUS A FEW EXTRA POUNDS. I CARE FOR MY MOTHER AND LIVE WITH HER SO I NEED SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS THE SITUATION. IT IS BETTER IF YOU COME HERE (UNTIL WE HAVE SEX) SO I CAN CARE FOR HER.
Hmmmm, a sexual deviant who lives with his invalid mother? Where have I heard that before? I’ll certainly think twice before staying in a motel in White Plains, and a shower is out of the question.
I had to learn more so I clicked to see his photos. I suppose in some countries, Norman might have–what could be considered–an athletic build with a few extra pounds.
I also noticed that he was a commercial pilot. When the voice says, “Sit back, relax and leave the flying to me,” it could be Norman–an excellent reminder to refill my Xanax prescription before heading to JFK.
If you happen to be dating a pilot and he says, “My mother would just love you to death,” RUN, or at least casually inquire about the number of butcher knives he likes to keep around his kitchen.
Here’s my response to his email:
What in the world would possess you to create such a ludicrous profile? Has any woman taken you up on your offer to chat? You can’t possibly be serious; this has to be a joke. If not, I highly recommend a complete revision. Perhaps your mother can help.
When you write in capital letters do you know that means you are screaming? You are screaming at anyone who reads your profile about your zest for sex. Even in the heat of the moment I prefer that whispered–bellowing could be a buzz kill. I do believe you should get a measure of credit for avoiding “the dirty” with Mom in the house.
Lastly, I noticed that you are a pilot. I’ve probably glorified the profession but I can say without hesitation, YOU, SIR, ARE NO SULLY SULLENBERGER.
Yes, Norman, I yelled that last part.
“Sex. In America an obsession. In other parts of the world a fact.” Marlene Dietrich