Before writing my online profile I perused others for ideas. Using the “Search” tool I looked at the women on the site—my competition—to see how they talked themselves up.  I wanted to open with a first line that would get the attention of my future paramour, or at least I wanted to avoid something he’s read before. Here’s how some ladies began and I noticed some very distinct categories:

 The Yawn

My son/daughter is my life.

I am honest and hardworking.

 I am caring and compassionate.

 I’m looking for an honest man with a sense of humor.

 I’m as comfortable in jeans as in formal attire.

 Youthful woman looking for Mr. Right.

 I love life.

 My friends would describe me as _______.

I’ll Screw On The First Date

Sensual woman looking for her match.

 Sexy nurse who wants to take care of her man.

 Hottie looking for a man who can keep up.

 Deep wet kisses apply here.

 I’m extremely touchie-feelie.

 I’m Bitter–Don’t Toy With Me

Are there any good guys left?

 Serial daters need not apply.

 Hello? Is there one nice guy on this site?

 Don’t bother if you don’t have a photo.

 I’m almost done trying.

 The Romance Novel Junkie

 I like to cuddle on the sofa and watch a movie.

 I enjoy walks on the beach while holding hands.

 I’m looking for my best friend.

 I’m looking for someone to share the simple things with, like a beautiful sunset.

 I hope to be swept off my feet by love.

 The Glass-Ceiling Breaker OR Man Eater (you decide)

 I run a successful company where I am the boss.

 My work is my passion and relationships will always come second.

 I’ve struggled to find a man who isn’t intimidated by my success.

 I’m Ivy League and insist on the same. 

 I’m any man’s equal. If you want a true partner don’t wink, send a message.

 I’m strong and independent and want a man who won’t attempt to control me. Not happening.

 In business I get what I want and now I’m doing the same in my personal life.

 I earn six-figures and you should too.

 Here’s mine:

 For the first time in my adult life I am free to make the choices that I want–oh yes I am. I moved to NYC two years ago to pursue my dream of writing. I am originally from Las Vegas (people really are born there), but I have also lived in Russia, Toronto and Saudi Arabia. Travel is my passion and I can pack a bag with a speed that is frightening. I am always honest, perhaps sometimes too much so, and I expect that in a relationship as well. I am not a serial dater, but I am also not willing to settle for something that is less than right. I love to laugh and finding the humor in a bad situation seems to be the better alternative, but I am also a realist and I don’t view the world through the proverbial rose-colored glasses. I’m hoping to meet someone that I connect with. I could probably create a list of qualities and physical characteristics that I’m looking for but there are some things that can’t be quantified.  I’ve never been called boring.

Manhattan only please, and I hope you won’t wink–it just feels a tad creepy.

BUT REALLY, how important is the written portion of a profile? Do guys actually read them? If a seriously beautiful woman—swimsuit model material–posted several amazing bikini shots but wrote: The first thing I MUST do every morning is grab my man’s testicles while he sleeps and twist until he screams, would any man even notice? For the few that would I suspect they’d look at the photos again and think, sounds hot, or, she’s a tiger. Good pics are crucial–even when you’re not a sadist. Below are the best I could come up with, but the longer I look at them the more I question the two shots with canines–a little Creepy Dog Lady-ish perhaps?

“An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”  Agatha Christie