Profile Police: Liar, Liar, Prose On Fire
The initial email message from William showed me he’d thoroughly read my profile:
Hi,
What sort of writing do you do? I expect to be living in NYC by this time next year. And rain is indeed a wonderful sleep aid.
William
I appreciated that he recognized my Manhattan requirement, and even mentioned one of the items I’d listed in the “Favorite Things” category—falling asleep while listening to the rain (try not to roll you eyes with that one). William, 57 years old, was two years beyond my 55 max, but I was intrigued by his profile. I waited a few days to respond. I’ll explain that later.
Here’s what I wrote:
Hi William,
I wrote a memoir that has not been published yet. I got a late start to writing–5 years ago–so I’m still new at this, but I’m a quick learner. After reading your profile I know that you’re a pro and I’m feeling a little intimidated.
I hope you had a delightful weekend. I had a relaxed time with my daughters and friends.
Best,
Melani
William’s profile was clever. It should be—he’s a writer.
Here’s a sample:
I’m the author of more than 70 books, so my life is “comfortable,” and these days I write mostly because I’m driven to. If your children are, or were, active readers, there’s a good chance they have one or more of my books on their shelf. I believe in civility, good manners, and courtesy, and, while not close to perfect, try my best.
OK, I took a few days to respond because I was intimidated. 70 books? I wrote and rewrote my response at least a dozen times. It felt like I was turning in an essay to a highly persnickety professor whom I wanted to impress. I’ve changed or hidden a few of the details to respect William’s privacy. I do this in all the email messages I share on this blog, by the way.
Here’s his response:
Melani
Thanks for writing back. Your weekend sounds lovely. I’ve written a lot of books for children, and have done some work in journalism and TV as well. It amuses me when people say they feel intimidated. I feel like I’m one of the least intimidating people on earth.
May I ask what your memoir is about? (that is, other than obviously being a memoir).
I would imagine that you’re a bit tired of answering questions about the whys and hows of all the places you’ve lived, but just in case you’re not (or you’ve got boilerplate) I find experiences like that fascinating to read about.
Speaking of places to go, I’m leaving tomorrow morning for Santa Catarina to surf. How long depends on the conditions. Last year we waited four days before the waves got good.
I hope to have access to e-mail down there, but the part we go to is mostly dirt roads, thatched roofs, and sketchy accommodations.
So, if you do decide to answer this e-mail and I’m not quick to answer, that will be the reason. In which case I’ll be back in touch when I return.
William
A 57 year old who travels to Brazil to surf? He was already interesting but with that information I had to learn more. Who was this guy? Melani Robinson, super sleuth would have to do some checking. Thank you, Google, for giving me the perfect way to feel like I’m doing research or merely satisfying my curiosity as opposed to what it really is—STALKING.
I had his first name and knew he’d written over 70 children’s books. I found him within 5 minutes–photos and all. The CIA has nothing on me. He looked, well, a bit older in some of the photos. No worries, I’d search for his birth date.
WTF? William, you lied.
57 years old was already older than ideal, but William shaved six years off his age. He was 63. Many years ago I dated a man 16 years my senior. When I was 35 and he was 51 there was only a tiny foreshadowing of what was to come when he’d fall asleep sitting up on the sofa while watching TV. There was snoring that accompanied his nap and these weird, slurping sounds, a little drooling and the occasional snort followed by mumbling. My daughters tell me that I’ve added that repertoire to my television watching routine of late.
Oh the indignity of this aging process.
I’m not sure I’m prepared to watch a man fall apart before my eyes while knowing he’s simply showing me my future. I’m also doing my best to avoid widowhood again. I know, I know, death can happen at any age. But I’m from Las Vegas and widening the odds seems a prudent thing to do.
Here’s my response:
Hi William,
My memoir is a love story that covers 5 years during the time I lived and worked in Russia. I always cringe a little when I say or write that my book is a love story–it was a big love, but calling it that seems rather trite. I guess that is my boilerplate answer.
It sounds like you’re in the midst of an exciting time in Santa Catarina. I hope you’re catching big waves or at least good ones.
I do have a question for you. Because your profile states that you’ve written so many books for children and one of my daughter is a veracious readers, I googled your first name and author and was able to find you. The age you’ve given on your profile doesn’t match. I hope that doesn’t seem too stalker-ish, but being a writer I was curious. Is there a reason you’ve put a younger age on your profile? I’m kind of a stickler for honesty.
Best,
Melani
Here’s William’s response:
Melani,
I wouldn’t ever call a love story, any love story, trite. To me that’s a word used by pompous people who have probably never been in love themselves. Or, to look at it another way, love is never trite to the one who’s in love.
I was once a stickler for honesty, but no longer. I believe we all lie – to protect those we love, to avoid unnecessary unpleasantness, to get into the 50-60 years age range on dating sites so that we pop up in searches. I also accept that the people in my life, my friends and loved ones, even my children, sometimes lie to me. I believe that when they do it, they do it because they don’t want to be hurtful. All I ever ask is that they be honest with me about the big issues.
So yes, that’s not my real age. Everything else in my profile is true (I think 
. Here are some other truths about me – I don’t cheat, steal, act cruelly or selfishly.
Santa Catarina was fun, as always. Toward the end the waves actually got a little too big and too fast, and my friend and I both came home slightly bruised and bloodied.
William
Leave it to a writer to create a beautifully written Bullshit Excuse Letter. The part about why people lie was truly transcendent. I might have to use it at DMV when they smirk at me as I tell them my weight.
The truth is, I like William. I even like his ability to dance around the lies with a verbal symphony so beautiful one might forget it is nonsense. If he had just said, “Oops, I screwed up, you caught me,” I probably would’ve tried to meet at least once, but his skill at deflecting his bad behavior and twisting it into a universal human condition seemed a shade too practiced. He was adept. Maybe it’s because he’s a master at written expression–he obviously is–but it was troubling and led me to wonder if it might be a familiar theme in the story of his life.
“If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.” Mark Twain
why would you go to brazil just for a few days to surf. you could go to hawaii and do that. and maybe not get so bloodied up. a wanker.
Great post! Honesty is truly a big deal in any relationship.
Since you like odds, 10:1 he was actually in Tijuana with an underaged hooker. If he’ll lie about one thing, he’ll lie about another!
Well said!
Sorry Melani, but after reading your dating stuff…you don’t have a prayer.
Hi Ryan. I don’t really know what you mean. Perhaps you can explain? Unless you’re just being rude and if that’s the case then move away from my blog and don’t come back.
I’m not Ryan, but I was thinking the same thing– but in kinder terms. I love your blog, btw. Every person has ‘something’ wrong with them, and the narrative of the blog has you cutting people off before they get out of the starting gate. This one told a lie, this one has 20 lbs. around the middle, this one smells (ok that’s a dealbreaker), this one has longish fingernails…but to cut things off because of those? Letting things unfold sometimes lets them unwind. A date with the liar might have been interesting.
Caitlin, I have no idea how old you are, but when you are my age you generally know what will work and what won’t. I wasted lots of time when I was younger trying to “let things unfold” and they never did. Every red flag that I ignored came back to haunt me. I’ve never had a problem meeting and dating men. I’ve spent the bulk of my life in committed relationships and have been fortunate enough to remain friends with almost every ex I’ve ever had. Am I picky? Yes, and that’s nothing new and I don’t see myself changing in that area. Thanks for your comments and I agree, maybe I should’ve dated the liar just for an interesting experience.
Dear Mel – What about that ridiculous photo of you at age 26 or so at top right of your posts, impishly posing as you at age 50? Finally saw some at a more current age that you added to a couple of your posts … You truly ought to use a current photo, rather than that younger one. P.S. You certainly DO look rather nice, actually …
Hey Rodge, That photo in the corner–you know, the one I was “impishly posing” in–was taken four days before I started this blog on January 5, 2012. It is hardly ridiculous and completely accurate. Thanks for your comment.
I think you were overly critical of Williams’s “excuse”. William is right, everyone lies, and for various reasons. Perhaps especially writers. You yourself have admitted to lying in this blog, and ON this blog, and for the same reasons he listed. We are talking “little white lies” here. Why not take a chance on him, you never know what could happen.
Kate, why perhaps “especially” writers? What have I admitted to lying about on this blog? I’d love to know. Also, it wasn’t the lie, but the ease at which he smoothed over the lie as if it were nothing. That’s not something that I can live with. I know myself and he wasn’t the one. Also, his age was a huge issue. I don’t want to be with someone that much older. Remember, I’m a widow and going through that again is frightening. I want the next man I’m with to outlive me. TYVM.
When you told the guy you were having your period, did you lie? If yes, why? Little white lie? When you told Mr. Stinky you had the flu, did you lie? If yes, why? Little white lie? We all do it. If we didn’t, we’d be unbearable. Don’t go that route if you want to love again. Be as forgiving as you yourself want to be forgivable.
Now Kate, you can’t possibly mean that attempting to be kind–not telling the guy he made he gag and the other guy that I was completely turned off by his filthy apartment–is the same as William lying about his age. Seriously, William was lying to deceive women on the site so he could date someone younger than his own age. It was a self-serving move and had absolutely nothing to do with kindness. I don’t have a single thing to forgive myself about concerning the treatment of the smelly guy or the dirty guy. I could’ve been cruel, and for that I would’ve needed forgiveness.
Again I ask, why especially writers?
I didnt suggest that you forgive yourself, but to forgive others. I think that the more you write, the more you will understand what I mean about writers and white lies. Was Williams’s lie self-serving? Perhaps. Perhaps not. When you reach Williams’s age it’s possible you might not find it so.
As far as honesty goes, how honest are you with the men you are seeking/dating? Do you reveal in your profiles that you are writing an email dating blog? When you go on a date, do you tell them upfront that this person who is looking for love, as you are, may be a subject of your latest blog? If not, how long do you wait to tell them?
That’s a good question. On the first date I tell all the men that I’m a writer. I tell them that I write work that is of a personal nature and I prefer to wait to share my work with them (they don’t know my last name). By the end of the first date if I know we will be going on a second I tell them about the blog, but it’s not just the blog that I don’t want to share. I’ve written a number of articles that are very personal and far too much information for someone I’m newly dating. The ultimate oversharing. Also, writers write about what they know. It’s not the most comfortable thing for my daughters to read some of my work either. The one thing I’ve learned from this process is that I can’t allow outside influences (hurt feelings, embarrassment of others, personal things) to impact what I write and how I write it. Even writers of fiction use their experiences and the people they know to develop characters and events in their stories. Just the nature of the beast and a boring world of reading if those filters were used. Oh, and I still don’t get what you mean by “the more you write the more you will understand about writers and white lies.” I’ve been writing for quite some time so how long does it take? Also, “was William’s lie self-serving” Perhaps, perhaps not.” There is no perhaps not. William lied to attract a younger woman. Period. That is completely self-serving and for you to think there’s even one iota of a “perhaps not” is quite perplexing.
Melani,
I want to commend you on your willingness to cut someone loose when they state so blatantly that honestly is not of value to then. I also value honesty, but a few years ago I fell in love with someone who did not share thus value. I was deeply in love with him & enjoyed our life together, but I was constantly tormented by not being able to trust anything that came out of his mouth. He was caught in lies numerous times, big and small & always grew indignant when confronted. No one deserves to live like this. You are right to listen to the early warnings. It sounds like Kate either has a problem with honesty herself, or she is setting herself up to be a willing victim of an illusion.
Thank you, Laura for sharing your story. It is hard to be in love with a liar. I have been as well. Never want to go through that again. As far as Kate is concerned, who knows what personal experiences she’s bringing into the story.