“Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead.” Lucille Ball
Heeeere’s Lucy
This is not about a date with someone I met online. I know. I said I wouldn’t write about the “men in the real world” but I think you’ll understand why this one had to be shared.
I met Terrence while wandering around Barnes and Noble on 82nd and Broadway. If I have any free time I do that sort of thing. The Strand near Union Square is my favorite NYC bookstore, but on that day time was limited so I stayed in my ‘hood.
Terrence approached the New Nonfiction table where I stood. Tall (over 6’), handsome, and an ageless face. He could’ve been forty or sixty for all I knew. We began talking about the recent works of nonfiction that we’d read. I told him I had just finished the Steve Jobs biography. He had read it too. He was an interesting guy—talked quite a bit—and we chatted for about fifteen minutes. By the end of the conversation, Terrence asked if I’d join him for lunch the following day. I told him I would and we exchanged phone numbers.
Terrence chose Landmarc, a restaurant in Time Warner Center. I’d heard good things and was looking forward to the experience.
I got dressed in my cropped Gap “Sexy Boyfriend” jeans (cause that’s what I want), a Yummie Tummie shape wear tank and a BCBG MaxAzria jacket that I saw in the store window during my wine bar trek with Chloe and had to have. All I needed were shoes.
Hmmm, practical flats or sexy heels?
Short and stubby versus long and lean?
Vanity thy name is Heels.
Occasionally I’m, um, clumsy.
During my final date with Bernhard I twice dropped a fork and broke a champagne glass that I discreetly pushed under the table with my foot. The server was already annoyed with the replacement utensils she’d delivered.
Jeez, do you think that’s why he never asked me out again?
During my first date with Scott I set the menu on fire (yeah, you read that right). I was attempting to use a candle to read the very small print. Where’s the handy waiter flashlight when you need it? I also dropped a fork, but who’s counting.
I met Terrence outside the restaurant and we walked inside. The place was packed—it was lunchtime after all and I was happy to know we had a reservation and could immediately be seated.
Here’s what it looked like:
Terrence followed the hostess as she briskly walked to our table and I struggled to keep up.
I’ve been told that I glide into a room—my head high, shoulders back like I own the place and that statement is sometimes followed with, “then you eat shit better than anyone.”
Eat shit.
OK, it has happened a time or two.
All it takes is a little water or an errant lime wedge on the floor and it’s Show Time!
Like a perfectly choreographed three-step dance number, I became the lunchtime entertainment.
Cue the music.
Fosse couldn’t have done better.
Step 1—The Rockette (please note the requisite Jazz Hands) and imagine the loud “WHOA!!!”
Step 2–a backward slam to The Dead Cockroach (not for the neophyte hoofer) with the always appropriate, “SHIT!!!”
And, because I breakdance, I flipped into the Pièce de résistance, the big finish: The Cousin It.
I paused for a moment, took a deep breath and tossed my hair back. The once noisy place was silent and here’s what I saw:
Also this:
Now, I know what you’re thinking. I got up, walked to the table, laughed it off and had a great meal, right?
NOT A CHANCE IN HELL.
I did my best to stand with as much grace possible, turned and used the same stride I entered with to propel myself out of there. Once outside I limped towards the escalator (my fucking hip was throbbing) and knew I was headed home where an icepack was waiting. Terrence, be damned!
Actually I’d forgotten about him until I heard my name being called behind me.
“Melani, are you OK?” He said while trying not to laugh. “Where are you going?”
“I’m fine. I’ve gotta get out of here. I’m humiliated, I can’t go back in that place.”
“What? Are you serious?”
“Jesus Christ, Terrence, did you just see that? Of course I’m fucking serious.”
“OK, OK, no problem, come with me, I have another place we can go.”
We walked outside the Time Warner building and down the street to another restaurant (no clue of the name) and were seated immediately. Terrence laughed about the incident and I joined in. What else was there to do? It was quickly forgotten and he began what I thought was going to be a shared “getting to know each other” conversation.
It was a monologue.
He talked about his childhood in Baltimore and I nodded.
He went into his first marriage and the birth of his now grown son. I nodded some more.
He described his second marriage and why it broke up. I wondered if he realized his food was getting cold but my head bobbed up and down and I made the noises one does to show interest.
Terrence talked and talked and I kept pretending to care while my mind drifted to how much my ass was hurting and that I was going to spring for a taxi back to my apartment. The subway or walking was OUT.
Finally, the date ended. Terrence went in for a kiss and I shoved my hand towards him and said thank you for lunch. He said he’d call and the next day he did.
Here’s how the conversation went:
“I had a great time at lunch, really enjoyed your company,” Terrence said.
“What did you enjoy most about it?”
He better not mention that flippin’ pratfall.
“Just getting to know you. You’re a special woman.”
“What do you think makes me special?”
“Oh, lots of things.”
“Like what?”
“Too many to name.”
“Name one.”
He laughed nervously.
“Terrence, what’s my last name?”
“Um…”
“How about where I grew up?”
“Or how many children I have?”
“The color of my eyes? Do you know that?”
“Um, you want me to tell you the color of your eyes?”
Well played, Terrence. The trick of repeating the question when trying to come up with the answer. I do it all the time.
“Yeah, the color of my eyes and if that’s too hard then just tell me if they’re light or dark.”
“Weeeell, hmmm, I think they’re dark, but I could be wrong.”
“You are wrong. Green. My eyes are green. You talked for ninety minutes without asking one thing about me. You didn’t seem to care and yet I know everything about you. Where you grew up, your marriages, your son, your job, where you’ve lived. Everything.”
“Weeellll, I know you have a much younger body than most fifty year olds. How about we get together again and you do all the talking?” He said with a chuckle.
“No thanks, but I wish you the best.”
And I do wish him the best. In spite of the fact that he had absolutely no interest in truly getting to know me, I am grateful that he wanted to see me again after witnessing my Lucy impersonation.
I’ve had several dates where the men don’t ask a lot. And a few specifically where they don’t ask what I do for a living. What is that about? Does it always mean they are self centered? Or does it mean they are bad conversationalists? Or not as curious as we are…. What is it?
Kelly, I’m not sure either. I tried to interject a few facts about myself but Terrence cut me off and kept on talking. He truly wasn’t interested. I don’t think he gave my klutzy move a second thought because it wasn’t about him. Thanks for your comment!
I love the way you asked him questions about yourself when he called back the day after your lunch date……such a wonderful way to make your point of his self centered “conversation” way to go
Steve, he really had no interest in me and each time I tried to say anything he interrupted. I wonder if the lightbulb went on after our conversation? Something tells me it did not.
you always wonder why guys like that date, they are so in love with themselves. There is and never will be room for you. I for one definitely want to hear about the “random” meetings too!
Dovie, I agree and it makes me wonder if our telephone conversation resonated at all with Terrence. If I have any good “random meeting stories” to share I’ll do that from now on. Thanks, as always, for your comments!
There’s an interesting YouTube video by Simon Sinek on getting to “Why.” Okay, it’s a business video about getting to the “Why” behind a business. Sinek notes its easy to identify the “What” and the “How,” but the “Why” is more illusive.
As today’s story illustrates – especially in relationships and with acquantances – it’s easy to discuss the what they did and how they did it with nauseating detail. However at the end, we’re left scratching our head, “Why did they do that?”
Yes even to the astute, the perverbial “Why” will always leave us hanging, and thinking, and wondering – “Why.”
Rod, I’ll check out the video. I guess we all spend time wondering why someone does what they do. For all I know, Terrence is wondering why I was such a klutz! I know I wonder that on a regular basis. Thanks for the info!
All I have to say is, you are hot.
I don’t care if you’re falling down or walking. Just go with it. This adventure in dating is one I have lived myself. Of course I didn’t do the turtle flop on my back but I still went down. I just popped right back up, fixed my dress, adjusted my bra and kept on going.
Amber, thank you so much! I wasn’t feeling hot in that moment. Good for you that you kept on going. I wish I had that confidence.
You should work on getting comfortable in your clumsiness. I happen to embrace my clumsiness with full passion. Now when I fall in public, (happens at least twice a year), I (eventually) stand up, and take an Olympic gymnast-like bow. Once I even grabbed a cup and yelled “Tips? Next show is at 8:00 PM!”
Beckie, I don’t think I’ll ever get comfortable with the sort of falls I take. Thankfully, I’m like you–perhaps once or twice a year. I do like your style and maybe I’ll try channeling my inner Beckie the next time it happens. Food for thought for sure. Thanks for letting me know I’m not the only one!
I love your zero tolerance for self-absorbed asses. If I ever have to date again (please God, no!) I will try and summon my “inner Melani” and be equally discerning…
Kristine, somehow I don’t think dating again is in the cards for you. Lucky girl! Thanks for your comment. It’s nice to hear it called discerning and not picky for a change!
Well Melani, you looked fabulous in the outfit, especially the jacket! You styled it brilliantly; kudos. I’m sorry you had a tedious lunch, though. I’m glad you are carrying on with brio through it all, and we are all the lucky recipients of your stories.
Yes, I did look quite fetching especially as I flopped around on the floor. No stains on the jacket so all was not lost. Thanks for your comment and we have to go bar hopping again!
I witnessed that type of fall once right next to our table. Her right hand reflexively reached out and took a glass with her. The glass shattered and cut her arm. Gave new meaning to their Poached Blood Oranges!
Oh god, at least I didn’t need stitches!
Melani, you had more patience and class than I did when that happened to me! (one of the many times) Do you recall me telling you that I said to the guy (after two hours of talking about himself) ……”We have spent two hours together and you know nothing about me. You have talked about yourself non-stop and haven’t asked one thing about me. I’m trying to do you a favor and let you know that just doesn’t work” with women……….and his response was…….well, that’s how a conversation starts. It would have gotten to you……….sheeeeeeeshhhh.
I do remember that, Jo. Seems to be an epidemic! I’m not so sure I have more patience or class. I think I in shock after my magnificent fall. I was so humiliated. Oh well, it’s funny now.
First – you shouldn’t feel embarrassed about falling! Sounds like you did it with aplomb. Second – I love that you totally just tell the guys what is what. I should have you call a couple of guys I’ve gone out with. It is amazing how much they talked about themselves and how little they asked about me. I once went on a date with a guy who didn’t ask me one single question on our first or second date. I even started throwing in really weird things to see if he’d ask or follow up. Nope. The only thing he asked was if we could have a third date – because he didn’t even notice that I noticed he wasn’t asking anything! (I didn’t go on that third date, needless to say.)
Oh, and I went on a “first date” the other day – just met for coffee in a cafe. We ordered at the counter, and then he paid ONLY for his drink. I was sorta in shock. I mean, really. Needless to say, not going to see him again. But, I kinda was wishing you were there to give him what for.
R.J., I love that you threw in some weird things to see if he noticed. That made me laugh out loud. I might try that one if you don’t mind? It would make a great post. Next time I’m with a blah, blah, blah guy I’m going to say something like, “I love living in New York and keeping live chickens in your apartment isn’t as unsanitary as one might expect.” I’m going to come up with a bunch of crazy stuff like that in preparation for the next long-winded man. Thanks!
Have to jump in and say that, in general, men don’t listen so if you find one who does, hold on to him. I used to throw in “and then I jumped off the George Washington Bridge” when talking to my ex-husband. He would react sometimes, but not every time.
What a prick! Kidding, sort of.
I went on a date last weekend and I was the one who did all the self-centered talking. I was “off”. Nervous. Hoping that he might understand, but am not too hopeful.
Cece, maybe you can reach out to your date and acknowledge what you did? Explain it was just a result of being nervous.I think if Terrence had done that I would’ve been open to another date. Quick question: What color were his eyes?
If I were old enough, single and lived in New York and took you out on a date you wouldn’t know a thing about me afterward. I would be doing the listening.
Most people don’t get that they should be quiet and listen to the other person.
Aww, Scott, thanks for that. I don’t know your age but it sounds like you are wise beyond your years.
Here’s a thought…ask a LOT of why questions – people that like to talk about themselves, the whats and the hows – never anticipate the WHY questions, but the are the insight to who that person is that will help you discover/uncover their true self. Also, you DO NOT want to be on a date with someone who just listens and lets you do all the talking and asks you a million questions like an inquisition, that’s a nightmare…and if all they do is listen just how much fun will life with them be. I need interaction and a man who is not afraid to talk and not afraid to answer the honest to the bone WHY questions. They get bonus points if they pause for a few seconds before answering the why questions by the way, then you know they are really doing a little soul searching. Cheers!!! I will be in New York next week visiting my daughter who works in the Meatpacking…I’m staying in Chelsea. I love New York!!
I agree, Norma about someone who only asks questions and never shares. That’s a huge red flag and feels like they’re avoiding any intimacy–at least from their end. But I’m not so sure on trying to figure out why someone does what they do–unless I think there’s a future. With Terrence I knew I wouldn’t be going out with him again. The why wasn’t important. I also love when a person pauses before answering a question.
So you’ll be in the city next week? I hope you have perfect weather and a fabulous time with your daughter! Chelsea is fantastic.
O M G I’m not sure how I missed this one- – but I’m so glad I found it now! First, I’m really sorry that you fell. Second, THANK YOU for telling us about it…WITH PHOTOS! So funny – you tell it well. Oh, and eff Terrence. I’m so over guys like that. You handled it, and him, perfectly. (frantically taking notes…lol)
Donna, you are very sweet about the fall. It was one of my more memorable ones. Glad you found the post!
M -
So that you know you’re not alone: http://jaheroadmirer.blogspot.com/2009/12/tights-thatwerent.html
D.
Thanks for the link!
Funny story. I just want to say that the pictures of your re-enactment and also your friends Mark and Karen are just hilarious. Hey it happens. I think we’ve all had our episodes of public “ungraceful-ness” at one time or another.
Unfortunately, your date, Terrence fits neatly into a category that doesn’t just include men on first dates…but both sexes and all ages of people we meet along the way…all so self absorbed they only know how to talk about themselves. Just another form of selfishness. Most people aren’t attracted to the me, me, me types and as I’ve said before…good to find this out before you waste anymore time.
By the way, why does your friend Mark look so familiar? Is he an actor? If not, he is a dead ringer for someone I know I’ve seen before. I just wish I could place him. Again, love the photos that went with your story. Thanks for sharing!
Tracey, yes, Mark is an actor and you may have seen him in print work and commercials. Karen is also a brilliant actress/singer/writer. When I first met them–shortly after moving into our building–I couldn’t figure out why Karen looked so familiar. I finally remembered her from one of my favorite movies, The Fabulous Baker Boys. Her short, but oh so memorable performance was one used in the trailer for the movie. Here’s a link and Karen appears at 2:52.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yN9DJ7hf22M
Thanks for the You Tube link of Karen…I’m going to remember where I’ve seen Mark at some point. They must be a fun couple to hang with. Of course, that’s one of the charms of NYC isn’t it?–so many interesting people. I just don’t get that much in the ‘burbs of Houston…:))
Yes, Karen and Mark are lots of fun. Plus I love them and they’re my NYC family. That’s the most amazing thing about this city. The amount of talented people all crammed together in one place. It never ceases to amaze me.