Update: Cheap or Evolved?
I spend a large amount of time writing both the blog and other articles. I think most people assume bloggers sit down for thirty minutes and bang out the latest post. I guess it’s possible, but not for me. For example, “A Love Story,” one of the more detailed entries, took me eight hours to write, two additional hours of editing, another hour of tweaking, and then an hour to get it on the blog and insert the links and photos.
AND I still found typos or things that could’ve been better worded. I’m always editing—even after it’s published.
Twelve hours of work for one entry and that’s not unusual—especially for the stories that have tons of necessary details. Daniel (“Cheap or Evolved?“) understood this. We had another discussion on our date last Thursday–a free event. I told him for the umpteenth time that when I am writing I do not break for texting or phone calls.
The reason we were on a date at all was that I still wasn’t absolutely convinced that he was cheap–that is until we took a taxi home. Daniel suggested we share. He said he wanted to visit a friend who lived in my neighborhood. One block before my apartment, Daniel hopped out at a red light and didn’t offer any of the fare.
It was a strategic miserly move.
I don’t believe for one minute that he planned to visit a friend. What I think he did was catch the crosstown bus that he told me he used frequently. The cab fare from where we were (Gramercy) to his apartment on the Upper East Side would have been at least $20 plus tip. He figured he’d tag along on my dime and use his Metro card for a $2.25 bus ride.
A day after our date Daniel called and left a message asking that I call him back. I was writing but planned to return his call once I was finished. I wanted to let him know that we would not be seeing each other again. When Daniel called a second time within a few hours I was very aggravated but took his call. I was curt and told him that I was in the midst of writing, planned to call him back and that he shouldn’t have called a second time. I ended the call abruptly.
Honestly, how many times did he have to be told the same thing?
The next day I sent an email message apologizing for my phone behavior. I also let Daniel know that although I thought he was a nice man, we were not a good match. I explained that he wanted more than I was willing or able to give—that my writing was a priority especially after spending five years focused on writing the memoir and ways to get it published. I said that I thought it was less about me, more about his ego (he’d mentioned ad nauseam the strong Leo influence on his male pride). I wished him the best and thanked him for some nice times.
Daniel responded immediately and I could tell he was roaring.
Here are the parts that I found exceptionally annoying:
Most of my friends are writers, editors, directors, agents and dramaturgy. I’ve been here 30 years. I majored in theater and I use to teach the creative process for the [redacted] theater. You’re not teaching me anything new about writing or writers. You’re the one who’s new. Writer’s write but they must also live.”
By the way, when he taught “the creative process” he was a volunteer.
Here’s another:
Most of the women on [redacted dating site] are published writers. Books, magazines, etc. i’ve dated plenty. Carrying it to the extreme does not make you better or get you a sell. I tried to help and point you in the right direction. You seem unwilling to understand that.”
Most of the women on the dating site are published writers? Who knew the only chicks in NYC that don’t have a man are writers?
He’s going to help get me get a “sell” yet Daniel never sold anything that he’d written. His advice was that I have some fun and quit taking it so seriously. Of course, he wanted the fun to be with him.
And more:
As a Leo I know the deal. So cut the attitude. Careful, you’re on the verge of pretense. This is New York baby. We’ve seen it all before. Please take that in spirit offered. All I wanted from you was fun. Can you be fun? Just fun. I wonder. Maybe I’m not the man for you. Someone with talent and background. Maybe your ego needs to be top dog. Younger guys are good for that. No competition. My ego is in check. Been here too long. Watch for my solo shows.”
What do you think the odds are that Daniel will ever have those solo shows?
Here’s my response:
You’re the one who should be careful about pretense. Writers don’t live when they’re in the midst of writing. Come on, Daniel, even someone who is much less New York-ified than you knows that. Hell, I think maybe even a guy from Iowa could share that info. New doesn’t make me ignorant. It made me smile that you felt the need to share your credentials–there’s your ego again. New also doesn’t make me incapable of telling good writing from, well, average at best–remember that the next time you send your work to someone you’re trying to impress. Now there’s MY ego that I’d hoped to keep in check.
Daniel had sent me some things he’d written and I was glad to know that when he retired he had a full pension.
He sent two more messages that I ignored but here was his final zinger:
How many of my friends and girlfriends have written books, articles and essays on sex? If only I had a nickle for each one.
Note to the disgruntled: When you’re delivering the coup de grâce, use spellcheck.
Instead of hurling myself out of my apartment window, all I could think about was the irony of the misspelled coin. Especially since I’m sure he has the first one of those he ever made.
Daniel spent a good portion of our time together attempting to prove how important and connected he was. He loved to drop the names of famous actors and call them his friends. The free event we went to on our last date was a book party for another of Daniel’s “friends.” It was very clear that although the author knew him by name he was only an acquaintance. They were in an acting class together.
He also told me that he was a friend of many literary agents and he figured some of them would be at the event. He said he’d be happy to introduce me if they were there.
Surprise, surprise, they weren’t but I didn’t expect them to be.
He talked constantly about his solo shows and how he’d missed this deadline or that opportunity to enter a competition. “Next year I’ll be ready,” he loved to say.
He never bothered to read the blog or anything else I’d written, yet he told me regularly through text and voicemail messages, “I can’t quit thinking about you.” When I told him about losing Kate he couldn’t even feign interest and I gave him the two-minute version of the story. After he sent me things that he’d written he asked repeatedly if I’d read them. I always said that I had and thanked him for sending me his work. I could tell that he wanted me to praise his writing. I just couldn’t do that.
He often said, “I admired your drive and work ethic,” but would complain when I told him I was working and couldn’t go out or take his calls. He said I needed to balance work and fun. I explained that I loved to write so it was fun and that I was sure the next man in my life would understand my commitment. He didn’t like that.
The facts are clear. I questioned his motives on the first date. I had a bad feeling when he got up and went to the bathroom after asking for the check. I questioned his character when he put up no protest when I paid for our second date. I thought it was inconsiderate that he did not stand in line for my drink at the movies. I found it distasteful that he would mention the cost of the movie ticket especially after we had the talk about money. I had all the signs I needed from that first date and yet I continued to see him. What was I thinking?
I screwed up by second guessing my gut. I will never make that sort of mistake again.
“People on the outside think there’s something magical about writing, that you go up in the attic at midnight and cast the bones and come down in the morning with a story, but it isn’t like that. You sit in back of the typewriter and you work, and that’s all there is to it.” Harlan Ellison
I just cannot believe your stories . You just are such a neat woman. You just got to meet some male that is normal that reads your blog. You are just outrageously funny and smart. Men should be lining up and you should have your choice of stud muffins . Keep up your hunt !
Thank you so much, Mike. A stud muffin is on the horizon–I’m just kissing the frogs until he arrives. Thank you for your comment.
Mel, your gut has a mind of it’s own and is instinctual for you. Always listen to your gut, I’m surprised you went back out, except that you took a lot of hits for your standards. Those standards may not be for everyone, but they are yours, Stick with them. Even though, these encounters do make for good reading, I selfishly add. Keep writing sister. When you are passionate and love what you do, it doesn’t feel like work. There is a difference between value and cost. You two don’t share the same values. Next !
Thanks, Tracy!
I think you made the right call here. I would never think to act like Daniel did on a date. It’s just not right.
Stan, that’s because you’re a decent guy. Daniel is not. Thanks for the support.
I’m glad you are done wasting time on this guy…he isn’t worth it. Besides, you were right the first, second, third time (I’ve lost count) about him being cheap and now the taxi? Now all this back and forth with the ego. This guy just doesn’t like to be told no and I sense that in person under different circumstances, this could prove risky. Each time you’ve spoken with him or emailed him, more warning alarms go off. The ego problem is bad enough, but he took a couple shots at you which seemed kinda low and desperate (…”maybe you needed a younger guy…blah, blah, blah…” Sorry don’t mean to sound like your Mom, but not only is this guy cheap, he’s an ego maniac and a jerk as well…I shudder to think if there were more dates what other character flaws would raise their ugly head. Buh-bye, Daniel…
Tracey, I agree. Imagine if he wanted sex and wouldn’t take no for an answer? I am certain I’ve only scratched the surface of the real Daniel. No thanks!
This guy isn’t just cheap, he’s a cheap weasel; always looking for a free ride, never offering anyone anything. I see cheapness as a deficit of the soul. And aren’t you a Leo, too?? There are different types of lions apparently..
Kristine, I couldn’t agree more. Cheapness to me is just foreshadowing of lots of other things to come. A deficit of the soul is a perfect way to describe it. Yes, I’m a Leo as well. I’ve actually never met a cheap Leo before–they’re usually the first to pay for everything. Maybe he was born on the cusp.
.
That was a funny follow-up. The Taxi jump…. lol
Thanks, Joe.
I think that the honest truth is, is that he is not cheap he is broke and is pretending that he is not. When he complains about every single item he spends money on, to me is a sign that it really pains him to let go of that money. I’ve seen plenty of guys pretend to have or be what they’re not.
Beto, maybe you’re right but if he were broke and hiding it from me do you think he’d complain about the price? I think what pains Daniel the most is to part with any of his money if he can avoid it. Thanks for the comment.
Cheap 40+ dudes are a complete waste of time as love interests. If they’re stingy on dates they are stingy with love, compliments and basic human kindness. You’re much more patient than I, a self described bohemian. The few cheap dudes in my social circle know not to approach me for a date. No way, Jose.
Also, cheap 40+ dudes consider themselves players. They get the woman to foot the bill, they lower her self esteem enough to get her into bed and viola, he’s set. A maid, a hooker and a credit union all rolled into one.
Next time cut them off at the first date!
DDR, exactly. Stingy with money, stingy with love. Won’t ever let this happen again. Thanks for your comment.
You left out something, he is not just cheap, he is a liar!
True, Dovie. Another wonderful character trait.
Hmmmm. It’s easy to talk about Gut Feelings as you did in your previous post about Daniel. However, it’s probably impossible to put gut feelings into words that truly allows the reader to understand, appreciate and feel what is truly going inside your head/gut.
Now that Daniel has confirmed your gut, I would like to retract my previous comment about Not throwing Daniel under the perverbial bus. Cause now its apparent that …
And regarding the writing and editing. Guy Kawasaki use to say he was a mediocre writer, but a really good editior. Congrats!!!
Rod, bus statement is officially retracted. I love the Kawasaki quote. It’s true for me as well. Editing is crucial and not only do I self-edit but also send my posts to three different people to critique. If there’s a typo it is only because I’ve added stuff after they’ve edited the piece. I’ll get a call or text after I’ve published from one of them (no names) and it usually goes like this, “Fidel, quit adding things after I’ve edited!”
Hmmm..I think you just gave away your ghost editor! Haha!
wink, wink
It was pretty nice of you to not give him any [sic]s for that first message. “Writer’s write” ?!?!
No kidding, Mary! You should’ve seen the stuff he sent me–his best work. It was all I could do to read it.
This is what you get for trying to be nice to someone who doesn’t deserve it! I do the same thing in dating–did, at least. We have to assume that people are on their best behavior in the beginning. No excuses! Ugh, I never liked that guy and I’m so glad you got away. “Chemistry,” bah. You can find that with a good man too.
Robin, thank you for your comment. You are right about chemistry. I can and will find that with a good guy and if that’s Daniel’s best behavior, he’s anything but.
You are so inspiring! Best wishes to you!
Thanks, Beckie!
I wouldn’t be so hard on yourself about not trusting your gut. Yes your gut instinct was correct about this guy and you went against it, but really what was the opportunity cost? It isn’t like you turned down Springsteen tickets so you could go out with him. Unless you had something really special as an altrernative that you passed on, then there was no harm and you got good material for your blog.
I can only imagine how time consuming it must be to write a blog. I have spent hours just thinking about, writing and tweaking my online dating profile and I still am not ready. And that is only 300 words. For you to write something as detailed as your stories plus the links, it must really be a labor of love.
John, you’re right about that. I don’t think I would ever turn down Springsteen tickets (never been) for a date with any man. Unless Brad Pitt called–not Bradd Pitt (see FB page if it doesn’t resonate). Thank you for your understanding on what it takes to write this blog. It most certainly is a labor of love and being motivated by love has always worked out for me in the end. Thank you again.
I have so much to comment on, I do not know where to begin! From the start I was with the rest wondering whether you were being to hard on this guy. Turns out you were right! Jumping out a block from your house? No class! Here’s to the gut feeling!
I can’t help but ponder the good of calling a guy out in the goodbye email? Where you noted to him it was more about his ego, but thanks and goodbye? Seems apparent it would get his Leo pride up (which I thought was a bit goofy on his part to even cite that!) I so often want to just tell it like it is, but is it the need to be polite that leads me to just say thanks but no thanks? Should I actually tell a man what I really think of his character flaws that lead me to say tata? So read with awe and a bit of wonder at your tell it like it is attitude towards some of these dates and men.
I do love the line a fellow responder wrote: cheapness equates to emotional cheapness as well. Can relate! Been there , done that! Never again for it seems to be true!
Continue to love your blog Melani!
Kim
Kim, thanks for your comment and I’m thrilled you’re enjoying the blog. Yes, jumping out of the cab was disgusting, but Daniel showed his hand long before that–the drink debacle, the bathroom breaks, the lack of respect with phone calls, the complaints about ticket prices. Daniel also stated over and over and over how big his Leo ego was. Each time he repeated it he had a big proud smile. Stating that in the goodbye email wasn’t the slightest bit impolite it was actually something he could relate to. Now, if I would’ve called him a cheap bastard, that wouldn’t have been nice. I always try to be kind but in the second email to Daniel the gloves came off. Thanks again for your comment.
I love your way of words! Yes, I now agree to your email closing with Cheapskate! As a woman who has been told by men in the dating arena that I can be too “honest” or upfront , your blog resonates with me. I look forward to more adventures with you!
Kim
One word Melani, NARCISSIST! Ugh! Good riddance!
Yep, that’s the word. Thanks!
Melani,
Never underestimate your gut instinct. Gladwell called it ‘thin slicing’ and it is based on years of experience and your own personal file of information and impressions. I’m famous for doorway diagnoses and am very rarely far off the mark-not gut instinct but the principles of “Blink” that Malcolm Gladwell wrote about so eloquently.
I love the thought that writing is ‘so easy’. It is work just like any other kind of work. It reminds me of when people say oh well if it doesn’t work out “I’ll just teach”. Good luck with that-teaching is not for wimps or lukewarm washouts. It is work and important work. And I agree with the comment that cheap is a character trait that transcends money. I’d rather be poor that have a poverty of the soul. Cindy
Yours is the first blog I’ve ever read, started reading after the Huffington Post piece, and really enjoy it. It’s heartbreaking that you lost the love of your life and inspiring that you are living life on your terms despite such a loss.
Hats off to you, pretty lady. Don’t let the punks of the world punk you out and always call out the jerks for being jerks. They get that way because nobody called them out for it early on.
You truly deserve the best in life.
Scott, that makes me happy that my blog brings you back each week. Thank you so much. Sometimes I wonder if I am taking on too much by telling the jerks I encounter what I think. Kind of a “who do you think you are” sort of dialogue that runs through my brain. I do think you’re right though. People continue to behave badly until they are held accountable–and it’s not my nature to zip my lip. I appreciate your kind words and encouragement. Thank you again.
Hi Melani! What happened to all the people who were defending Daniel? Where’d they go? If I only had a nickle for each one….
Susan, you do make me laugh!
Melani,
I’ve been reading your blog for a while and enjoy your honesty and wit. On top of that, I can relate to practically every dating scenario you’ve described. Well, maybe not “The Patient” but it’s probably only a matter of time! Thanks to my horror stories, many of my miserably unhappy married friends are ready to renew their wedding vows!
Honestly, I thought I was simply too picky in my search for Mr. Right or even Mr. Right Now. But I’ve come to the realization there are more riders on the crazy train than one can even imagine. Unfortunately I live on the West Coast. Sharing some stories over a glass (or maybe a bottle) of wine with you would undoubtedly lead to wine spewing from my nose, tears running down my face and a side-splitting belly ache caused by uncontrollable laughter!
My journal overfloweth….
Karen
Karen, thank you for your comment. I am certain that bottle of wine would be enjoyed and the laughter plentiful. Thank you for following along!
I routinely play it cheap on the first few dates (though not as cheap as Daniel) just to weed out the pathologically materialistic females who make up such a large chunk of the U.S. population.
I don’t think a first date should be an expensive undertaking either, Ed. It’s a time to figure out if the chemistry is there. A quick cup of coffee or even a walk through a park seems like a good beginning to me. I don’t know about the “large chunk of the U.S. female population” being materialistic. The last think I want to do is share a meal (expensive or not) with someone I know isn’t right for me. I can certainly buy my own food and the company is just fine.