In the Eye of the Beholder
This post is radically different from what it was a few days ago. I was going to do a date post using the real first name of a man I was with. I also had photos. I thought it was a cool idea, different than anything I’d done before and would be easy to write. The pics would tell the story; I wouldn’t have to work as hard. My date agreed and then changed his mind a few days ago. He was concerned that if his daughters somehow read it they might be upset. This new version and his anonymity does allow this to be more than just a record of the obvious and in this instance I think that’s a good thing.
BUT, I’m getting ahead of myself, so let’s start at the beginning.
On March 27th, The Huffington Post published a piece I wrote on Brazilian waxing. At the end of the article I asked that both men and women weigh in. There are now over 1200 comments so I guess I got what I asked for. Besides the comments, I received many email messages from readers who went from the piece to my blog and then reached out. I even had a few who began following me on Twitter. Jack was one of them.
After a few days of back and forth tweets the tone began to change. I don’t know if you’ve seen the photos on Twitter, but they’re small. He seemed attractive and I could tell he had a dimple, but the thing that was most intriguing was that he was funny. I enjoyed our banter and then it got flirty. So flirtatious that my older daughter sent me the following email message:
Seriously, Mom? The tweets between you and @[redacted] are ridiculous! You know you’re on a public site, right?
Do you see why I refer to her as The Chronic Cramp-er Of My Style?
OK, perhaps we were crossing the line and I’ll admit that he had my attention. I guess some might say that when I tweeted, I need to write but I’m distracted by thoughts of strangers with dimples, I wasn’t exactly being coy.
I sent Jack a direct message:
Are we flirting? Maybe we should take this off Twitter. Here’s my email address: [redacted].
He sent a message right away, told me a little about himself and attached a couple of photos. He lived in Newport Beach, California and said he’d joined Twitter only to communicate with me.
I opened the attachment.
SHUT UP.
I almost fell out of my chair. Staring back at me in the photo was a man so beautiful I gasped. That’s why I wanted to include the actual photos because I’m not going to be able to do him justice, but I’ll give it a shot.
How about Chris Noth at his peak on Sex and the City?
Nope, Jack was better looking.
George Clooney in Ocean’s Eleven?
Naw, not even close.
This guy was drop dead gorgeous. Scary good looking.
Brad Pitt in Meet Joe Black kind of handsome.
Oliver Martinez in Unfaithful sort of perfect.
AND, he was 49 years old. I should also mention that he was 6’2” with a body that only an Abercrombie & Fitch boy should have.
Yep, he sent a beach shot.
After a few email exchanges we began talking on the phone. I hoped he had a weird voice—something that was an equalizer. Not to be. His voice matched his looks and he was as funny on the phone as he was in his tweets. He told me about his three daughters—two almost grown and one in middle school. He talked about his family and was very close to all of his nine brothers and sisters. He even sent me photos of the brood. Each one was as beautiful as the next. What must his parents look like to create an entire herd of gene pool rock stars?
In the beginning I had a hard time being myself on the phone. His face kept popping up in my mind, but gradually I began to forget as we talked more frequently. I think it’s rather like when talking to someone with an accent. In the beginning you hear it clearly but after several conversations it seems to disappear.
Jack always made me laugh. It seemed that no matter when he called I was on my way to a date. He’d ask about each guy and I was honest. I also told him he could read about it on my blog. He told me he quit reading the blog.
“When I read about you with other guys it almost feels like you’re cheating on me.”
I was disappointed that he didn’t follow the blog but I understood. It must’ve been strange to talk to me almost daily while knowing I was going on dates with other men—and writing about it. An odd dynamic for sure.
Jack asked if I would come to California to see him. I said I would eventually be returning to Las Vegas, planned to visit an old friend in California (Jill) and would love to meet him for a drink.
He didn’t like that.
“A drink? I want to see you for more than a drink.”
Now before you scream at me through your computer, “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?” Here’s the deal. When Jack and I talked the conversation never went beyond the superficial. Each time I tried to steer it towards a deeper subject—one where I would learn about who he really was—he brought it back to easy breezy, surface stuff.
That just can’t work for me long term.
I need a man who’ll let me in. Open up in the most fearless of ways and Jack just wasn’t having it.
He also spent lots of time talking about his divorce. We had several conversations where I barely said a word, just listened as he rambled on and on about his situation. I know how consuming that sort of trauma can be but I wasn’t in the midst of it and frankly, it was beginning to bore me. I even went so far as to say, “Let’s make a deal. I won’t talk about the blog if you won’t talk about your divorce.” He agreed but then would start in again during the next conversation.
Jack asked me to meet him in Charlotte where he was going for business. I declined. My friends (who saw his photo) thought I was crazy. “Get your ass on the next plane to see this guy,” said Christy, as she looked at the photo I’d pulled up on my phone.
I wasn’t willing to make a special trip yet. I needed to know that he was more than just, well, a pretty face. I’ve been there before with someone else—my first husband. He too was an incredibly good-looking man but there was a lack of depth to his personality that was disappointing and utterly unfulfilling.
The result of marrying much too young.
“Are you sure you want to get divorced? You make such a beautiful couple,” said my attorney. I assured him that although we looked great on Christmas cards, it was the most we had.
Jack also had something else in common with my first husband. He was a college football player and he even played briefly in the pros. I’m not sure if it is part of the makeup of a successful athlete but for many I’ve met, the personality development seems to have taken a backseat to the advancement of their athletic prowess. Not the “dumb jock” thing. Most athletes I’ve met are smart. I just mean when you’re good at something and are told frequently and also have crowds cheering—there’s seems to be a lack of necessity to hone the skills the average person might need to develop. Many former athletes also spend lots of time talking about their past, and Jack did that a bit too. My second husband Neal, played both football and baseball in college, and rarely mentioned his time on the field. He was named one of the 100 All-Time Best Athletes at his University but I didn’t learn that until after his death. For him it was just a way to get an education and move on to the real world.
SO, I waited for Jack to show me who he was, we continued talking and the conversation occasionally went from the superficial to deeper things—but it was rare.
“I’m going to be your last story,” he said, referring to the end of my year of blogging. “You’ll tell the world that we end up together.”
I wasn’t convinced of that outcome but his sureness made me smile.
Last week I made a trip home to Las Vegas. I had some things to handle there and as you know (if you read the previous post) I went to L.A. to visit an old friend. I told Jack I was coming and asked if he would like to meet for a drink. He said he’d love to.
After spending time with Jill, I drove to Laguna Beach on Saturday afternoon and checked in to a hotel. I’ve spent lots of time in Laguna—many summers of my childhood and many visits as an adult. It is my favorite place in Southern California and I know it well.
I wasn’t nervous as I dressed, applied make-up and dried my hair. I was hopeful. Perhaps I would finally get to know who Jack was. He arrived early and was waiting in the lobby. When I first saw him he was just as beautiful as his photos. It did stop me momentarily and when he hugged me his scent was intoxicating.
He decided we’d go to Las Brisas for drinks on the patio overlooking the ocean—a perfect choice.
As he drove and we chatted I stared at his profile. He was comfortable knowing I was watching. He put on Classic R & B and sang to me.
It was a cool evening and we sat in two seats next to a fire pit. Between the sound of the surf, the fire and strong Margaritas—romance was on the menu.
Jack leaned in and kissed me twice during our conversation. He said I had the softest lips. He didn’t talk about his divorce as I feared he would and he also gave me glimpses of what I thought might be depth. Sure, there was also the superficial small talk that one makes on a first date, but I kind of hoped we were beyond that. After a couple of drinks we walked down the stairs to the ocean and that was where he really kissed me.
There was no doubt I was physically attracted to him.
My body responded to that kiss as did his.
Jack drove me back to the hotel and came inside. What happened after that is, well, private, but before you make any assumptions, I slept alone that night and when Jack left I was ready for him to go.
As I always do following any date, I sent him a text message the next day thanking him for a nice evening. In his response he asked that I not include the photos we’d taken the night before. It seems he was, once again, in the midst of divorce drama and was worried about his daughters.
It’s the perfect storm right now, his text read.
As I drove back to Las Vegas that morning I had ample time to think. That’s what I love most about a solitary road trip. Lots can be resolved.
Here’s what I figured out.
I don’t want to be with Jack. At least not who he’s shown me to be thus far.
I am one hundred percent certain he’s never had to try with a woman. Never had to be romantic, complimentary, or even concerned about their sexual satisfaction. All he’s ever had to do was show up. The pleasure of his company is all he’s needed to provide.
I’ve never claimed to have simple relationship needs–I’m a pain in the ass–I want so much more.
I do think there’s something deeper—I’ve seen flashes. I’m just not convinced Jack is willing to explore that part. Why put that much effort into the inside when the outside’s always been enough? Why expose himself, be vulnerable?
And maybe he’s just wounded from the divorce and the superficial persona is self-protection. That could certainly be the case and I hope so. I also hope that if Jack has more to give and is interested, he’ll show me.
If not, I wish him well. No question there will be a never-ending supply of women happy to be with him exactly as he is.
I’m just not one of them.
If it turns out that he is simply that exquisitely wrapped present that disappoints once the paper and ribbons are removed, that would be a shame. Because as much as I think we’d look good on Christmas cards, I’ve opened that gift before.
”The first time you buy a house you see how pretty the paint is and buy it. The second time you look to see if the basement has termites. It’s the same with men.” Lupe Velez
Melani,
I knew how the story ended before I got to the bottom. Pretty boys, jocks you once again hit the nail on the head-they think the pleasure of their company should be reward in itself! ‘Pretty is, as pretty does’. Don’t settle and follow your gut. You had a feeling he was shallow! I love all your quotes and the one from Lupe is dead on.
Things are slow here in DC this time of year-the heat has everyone inside or at the beach.
Keep the faith,
Cindy
Thanks, Cindy! It’s hotter than hell in NYC as well. I certainly need more than just a pretty face–I do love the jocks, though. Glad you like the quotes. I try to find something that’s just right and this time I think it was a good choice. Thank you again for your thoughts!
Loved this post, as I usually do. I think your instincts are right not to get involved with this gentleman right now. There’s a big difference between “divorced” and “divorcing.” As in, “divorcing” is just another word for “married.” :-\ Best to wait at least ’til the ink is dry on the decree.
Theresa, you are absolutely right and in the meantime let’s hope for someone exactly right. Thanks for your comment!
Wow.
But from a man’s perspective, (not quite as devastatingly good looking as you describe Jack, but I hold my own and make up for it in charm) good looks can be a detriment to being a good partner for those whom lack the depth for self-exploration, self- actualization etc. This is compounded if the guy has just enough self- awareness to attempt selflessness but lacks the “tools” so to speak, to perform the task. This can lead to confusion and sadness. The saying about 1/2 of life is just showing up, the other half is knowing what to do when you arrive. Aside from instant chemistry, getting a girl to like you, or be interested in you or even to a degree….fall in love with you, is work! Not work in a negative way, but an effort has to be extended. And in my opinion, implicit in that effort is being attuned to her needs, listening and being; well, selfless. I have tried to become a well of happiness for someone to whom I am attracted. I focus and concentrate on her. The reciprocation (selfish on my part perhaps) is that by doing so, eventually I get what I want. Or need. Or both. But I, like most men, want it all. Emotional, physical and intellectual exuberance. An all consuming desire to be together. But it doesn’t come easy. Or often. Ride a white mare in the footsteps of dawn, trying to find a woman who’s never been born.
Maybe poor Jack is either still in love with his wife (you’d know far better than I. I’m speculating) or perhaps you expect a pint to hold a quart. It’s not possible.
But a great story! Thanks for sharing Mel!
Mitch, still in love with his wife or a pint that’s expected to hold a quart. Neither would be my choice for someone to share my life with but you could be right. Thanks.
I like you, when I was younger dated many pretty boys [some athletes] who thought they were better looking than I and seemed to possess no other redeeming traits but their looks. That of course turned out to be something I tired of quickly in my search for a lasting relationship. Reading your above post, I was not altogether sure myself where exactly this one was going. I thought perhaps you were poised to say that he was the perfect package but was horrible in bed…where I would then beg you to give him lessons…surely he could learn?
My next thought was that he was extremely shallow or had some strange character quirk which could ever prevent you from being soul mates..and that you possibly had your new west coast “friend with benefits”. Even though you felt insufficiently able to really penetrate his inner depth of character–he did actually possess a lot of admirable character traits that many women desire–his looks did seem the only other perceivable “negative”. You know this one might merit some further investigation. I’m really hoping his seemingly guarded nature is due to a painful divorce and really isn’t indicative of who he is. Perhaps, he is extremely sensitive and is very wounded as you indicated. Hard to say, and no doubt uncomfortable for others [you] to have to rehash his divorce over and over. Agree with the others who say the timing might be off because of being newly divorced or mid divorce. From what you’ve indicated, he has a wonderful sense of humor, he was considerate, punctual, honest (with his age, family, divorce) presumably not cheap, seems to care deeply for the feelings of his children. However, if indeed, you did detect any of those unbearable negatives such as arrogance, selfishness or any of those things that sometimes seem to accompany those blessed in the looks department, then I certainly wouldn’t question your ambivalence in pursuing the relationship further. Obviously, you are the best judge of all on that. I hope he ends up just being a little harder shell to crack and that he is able to show you in the future, the depth which you saw glimpses of. Too bad this guy lives so damn far away–it makes those dinner dates/drinks so much more difficult…although maybe time is just what this guy needs. We’ll all be on the edge of our seats waiting for some type of follow up on how this one turns out! Good luck, Mel…as always, we’re pulling for you!
Awww, Tracey, thank you so much! Yes, “Jack” had many admirable traits and ones I’m looking for. The distance doesn’t scare me–I can write anywhere. What is frightening is the thought of finding myself, once again, with a shallow man. I just can’t do it. I think those glimpses were accurate, but who knows? Really loved your comment and thank you for taking the time to share your feelings. Hugs!
Wow. You astonish me! I bet he chases you forever…
Kristine, you are so sweet. I don’t think Jack knows how to chase and I can say that with absolute certainty. Loved your comment!
I do hope there is a chapter 2 about Jack. Maybe he’ll get through the drama of divorce and be available.
I don’t know, Chloe, about a Chapter Two. I do know I’m sick of the divorce drama–that’s for sure.
“Jaaaack” open up your tough exterior because I’ve known Mel for 35 years and she will never go for “Shallow Hal”. Act now or she will forever be the “one that got away”! Hi everyone I am a virgin commenter but a long time Melani fan! She has a key to my house in Vegas and my car made the road trip.
Lis, you make me laugh. You’re right. Shallow Hals need not apply. Thanks for the use of your house AND your car during my time in Vegas. Did you see your dashboard in the photo? Glad you are back from your trip–so weird not to talk. You’re my bestie!
Hello Melani……this is Jack! First off, I loved our time together and found your blog about our date very enjoyable and well-written
You are a great writer and now I see why you have so many followers. However, there are a few things I would like to clear up from what you wrote and also from what some of your readers are commenting about. A dear friend once told me that “Assumption is the mother of all F#@ck Ups”. Just because I was an athlete and take care of myself doesn’t mean I am shallow….far from it. Beauty fades, but not a beautiful heart. I learned a long time ago from my father that love, respect and compassion for others will make you a complete person. I’m a small town guy with a huge close family who was raised to be respectful, loving and honest. The text you mentioned where I said “It’s the perfect storm right now” was in regards to my divorce, my twins brother’s cancer and my children. I was married for 20 years and never wanted to get a divorce. It’s been only one year since we separated and that’s far too early for me to be thinking about getting involved with someone when I haven’t finalized my divorce. You said when you buy a new house it looks great for a while, but then you notice the basement has termites. Well, this house is being remodeled and it’s going to take some time because the contractor went over budget. As far as my twin and his illness….there is nothing I can do but be there and be supportive. After all, he is my hero. And lastly, my beautiful girls. It hurts my heart to only be able to be with them half of the time when I was used to being with them every single day of their life. There wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t tell them how much I loved them. Now I can only text that to them when we are apart. As for my soon to be ex…yes I love her and I always will because she gave me 3 of the most beautiful gifts one could ever want. I have moved on, because I had to and one day my heart will be whole again. Melani, you are a beautiful, intelligent woman, but there is no way you can get to know someone from talking on the phone, texting, emails and surely one date. I’m not perfect by any means, but once this storm passes I will be happy in my own way 
Jack, so good to hear from you and this is a first. No man has ever responded to his blog post–you’re unique. I’d like to take this point by point and would love to start with the “assumption is the mother of all fuck ups” statement. I was married to two athletes and both took care of themselves and both were beautiful men. One was unable to open up and let me in–he preferred a superficial relationship. He was also a guy who talked an awful lot about his glory days. The other gave himself to me completely and never talked about his former-jock status. You were unable to open up (this post is the most you’ve shared with me in months) and you talk about your college days quite often. That’s all I was saying and others who comment are free to draw their own conclusions from the accurate information I gave in the post. No slant either way. As far as the “perfect storm” text I don’t know how you would expect me to think it was anything other than divorce drama–again. The previous text (just before perfect storm) was about not wanting your girls to stumble upon the blog post as it might upset them. If it had to do with all things–divorce drama du jour, your brother’s illness and your children then I stand corrected. Certainly nobody understands more than me the impact cancer can have on one’s life. Next, I find it strange that you would write, “it has only been one year since we separated and that’s far too early for me to be thinking about getting involved with someone when I haven’t finalized my divorce.” Um, you reached out to me, you asked me to come to California, you called me 99.9% of the time, you asked me to go to “Charlotte” you said a drink wasn’t enough time, you said you would be my final post at the end of the year letting everyone know we were together and you also asked me to return to California and when I talked about a hotel, you said I shouldn’t stay in a hotel but with you (I didn’t add that to the blog). YOU said all those things. For someone who thinks it is far too soon to be getting involved you certainly have an odd way of demonstrating that. And finally, I do believe you can get to know someone through telephone conversations and emails. IF that person is willing to open up. I had a long distance relationship for the first year with Neal and some of the most revealing conversations took place while on the phone. But, he was brave and wanted to split himself wide open and felt safe with me doing that. Perhaps you didn’t feel that way or were so caught up in the divorce that it was all you could talk about. I couldn’t know you because you spent the bulk of our conversations talking about all the horrible things your soon to be ex was doing. Thank you, though, for the compliment (intelligent and beautiful) that’s the first time you’ve stated either of those things. I hope your storm passes soon and you can move forward. As I said in the last text I sent to you, “be happy.” Thank you for your comment and btw, I too enjoyed our time together especially when you were singing old, oops, I mean Classic R & B.
Hi – this is for “Jack” – I’m sorry you are going through a tough time – and divorce is hell -, but I have to say – if you are not ready to be involved with someone you shouldn’t be dating and you certainly shouldn’t be inviting someone to come all the way to CA to see you. Melani seems pretty tough, but another woman might be pretty crushed by unwittingly getting involved with and perhaps falling for a man who is ultimately not emotionally available. IF you know you don’t want to be seriously involved with anyone, you should state that right up front and not tell the woman all the romantic and very leading things you told Melani. However, I do agree that it was best that your real name and photos not be used – it would be hard on your daughters and probably something you would regret! Living outloud and in public is not for everyone – heck, I won’t even use my real name in comments because I, like most people these days, am so damn googable
R.J. thank you for your Jack comment. Perhaps he’ll respond and thank you as well. I don’t think I’m tougher than any other woman but here’s the thing. Jack couldn’t crush me because he never let me in. Never made himself vulnerable and therefore I was never at risk. I’ll never have real intimacy with a man who is unwilling to share himself. That’s why when he pursued me and said all the things he did I wasn’t jumping. I didn’t go to California to see him–it was a side trip once I was already there. Believe me, I haven’t heard the last from Jack. I do know men and once he gets his shit together he’ll contact me again. They always do. What I choose to do is the real question. Let’s hope a man who rocks my mind, body and soul has come along and I won’t have to ponder it for a second. Thanks for your comment.
Wow……I am impressed that Jack replied. I was hoping he would. To Melani, in reading your posts, we know that you are a woman that is the total package looking for a man that is the total package. That includes depth, intelligence, an open heart etc. I believe by your posts about Neal that you already found that great love once. The good thing about this blog is that a real man who is sincere will be the one to earn your heart again because if he knows about the blog, he wont be afraid of dating you nor what you say. At Jack, we have all been a sucker to a pretty boy. And generally we have eventually been disappointed by that pretty boy. Haven’t you learned, at this age woman are beyond the looks thing. Sure we like to look, but were done touching and playing. Sure, he’s great arm candy, we look like a great couple in pictures, he may even be a good lay (although most of the time to generalize, the pretty boys want their own pleasure before pleasing a woman) but when the lights are on at home, if there is no depth to him a sucessful strong smart woman gets bored by him very soon. Melani’s reply pretty much called you out and I don’t blame her. Because why do you guys pursue us if you are not ready for a relationship? I think Melani is very clear in her blog as to what she is looking for which is a relationship, so why waste her precious time or yours for that matter tracking her down to get to know her if that isn’t what you were ready for? Not at all fair to her. If a woman is clear she is wanting to find a relationship and you are not, don’t pursue her just to get laid! Very selfish act! She has made it clear what she is wanting by this blog. I was on a dating site. I made my profile very very clear as to what I was looking for. I even stated if you dont want the same thing please pass right by me as my time is very precious. I can’t tell you how many guys still contacted me with their own agenda, which guess what? It was just to get laid….big surpise! So I feel Melani’s frustration. You track her down, you pursue her, you call her, you take her on a date, she hinted at some sort of intimacy, even if not sex….now you tell her you’re not ready for a relationship?? You sound concerned for your children and your twin, which tells me there is depth to you in the area of your family. My exhusband was the best father a person could ask for and the best son a mother and father could ask for and the worst husband i could ask for because he couldn’t fully open up his heart and let a woman in. And our whole relationship I was trying to guess how he was feeling, what he was thinking. Another thing, was is it that it is so hard for the pretty boys to tell a woman she beautiful?? If she is beautiful, TELL HER, for godsake. We love hearing it just like you do. And we also like to be sexually pleased, just like you do. It is not all about you? But I think with you pretty boys you forever think it is. Melani seems like a strong, independant, classy, strong willed, strong headed and obviously beautiful woman. It takes a strong man to handle a woman like her. But she’s the type you will always be able to count on; someone who will always have your back; take care of things when the tough times come and stand by her man for better or worse like she did Neal. She’s a rare beauty, Jack….Can you handle her? And if you can handle that type, go after her, fight for her, win her, adore her, love her and be her partner. Can’t you tell it will so be your gain? Don’t wait too long….look at her……some other guy will be smart enough to see the treasure and snatch her up. Would love this story to end with you Jack being the guy for her and not a Shallow Hal.
Wow! Liz, will you be my publicist? Fantastic comment and you know me so well (haha). Seriously, thank you so much for your vote of confidence. I am so appreciative. From your mouth to the relationship god’s ear on someone coming along who can handle me. It happened once, right? Thank you again for taking the time to leave such a thoughtful comment!
Did you read my post Liz? If I was a woman, sounds like I’d be you! Other than that, after reading the latest in this adventure, I feel like a voyeur. No offense intended towards anyone.
Wow Liz, you speak for us all!!! so much truth in your words I need to have my boyfriend read it and ask him if ” if he can handle this rare beauty” Thanks for your amazing post!!
I never would have thought of it this way but from reading your post it seems like the same thing that happens with some very beautiful women. Where I live we call it the ‘Hollywood’ effect. Because this is a mecca for wanna-be starlets you run into a lot of women who trade on their looks and have never had to develop anything else. So it seems there are men like that too. Who knew?
Joseph, the male version of the Hollywood effect is one I’ve experienced many times. I’m not sure if Jack is a part of that syndrome–it would be a shame if that were the case. Thank you for your comment!
Wow… not very often is the best part of the blog post is in the comments. Kudos to all – including Jack!
My biggest surprise Melani? You have given many men the roadmap to your heart through your stories and numerous references with your special relationship you had with Neal. It’s right there. And just maybe – that’s part of the problem. We too often try to immulate – we too often find it difficult, possibly impossible to execute the finer points of self.
Rod, I loved your comment. There’s nothing shallow about you–that’s for sure. Thank you.
Are we being harsh on Jack? Showing a deep side (assume we’re not talking Nietzsche deep) sometimes requires a foundation built on something more substantial than a few phone calls and drinks. It simply takes time. Not all things develop like 3-minute rice. The trick here is to see whether there appears to be something attractive about this person that is worth investing the time and emotions to find out more. Jack’s note suggest some real good qualities beyond the looks he was born with. Now, he may not be ready for a committed relationship since it sounds like he hasn’t ended his current one, but it’s seems harsh to judge him “insubstantial.” Maybe confused, but since many readers have been through divorce, it seems like we should understand and appreciate where he is in life and offer some slack. In the end, Melani, always follow your instincts–they have served you well. Just be careful to wield the pen with care.
Peter, what part do you think is too harsh? Why don’t you go back and read all the things I wrote in my response to Jack–all the things he told me. Considering he said them while knowing he wasn’t ready for a relationship (just learned that in his response) would be a tad bit more than confused as you suggested. Also, this wasn’t a few phone calls and emails. This was at least a call a day and sometimes 3 or 4 for nearly two months. Hardly chitchat. I agree, those going through a divorce are the walking wounded. It fucks up the most stoic, but that doesn’t give someone a pass to behave badly. Not sure what you look like but unless you’re the kind of drop dead gorgeous that Jack is you have no idea the power of that level of beauty. All sorts of door open just because you smile. I think Jack’s comment is a perfect example of his surprise and dismay that his covers were jerked. To me it sounded a bit like the relationship equivalent of the sports cliches from Bull Durham. “We have to play them one day at a time. I’m just happy to be here and I hope I can help the ball club. I just want to give it my best shot and the good lord willing everything will work out.” Perhaps I’m wrong. Time will tell. Also, Peter, as much as I appreciate your thoughts the one that makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up is that you seem to be telling how I should write my stories (Just be careful to wield the pen with care). If you follow the blog you should know that I write ‘em as I see ‘em. To suggest I do otherwise, is crossing the line.
Jack clearly isn’t ready to date and reading between the lines he’s just looking to ‘hook up’ but is sugar coating it. This story reminds me why I have an absolute No Separated Men dating policy.
No matter how good he looks no matter how accomplished he is I do not get romantically involved with separated men, as it’s like purgatory their divorce could go on and on.
Clearly, it takes years to get over a divorce!
Thanks, DDR. I couldn’t agree more. What was I thinking? I even wrote about it in my post Deal Breakers if you want to check the archives.
Deal Breakers? Will do, Melani.
I call people like that dude “Cali Phonies” that’s what he is a – phony -he’s not honest. He wants a cuddle? Why not just pay for one or at least be honest about wanting a shallow hook up. He’s much too old for such games.
If you’re reading this, dude, you need to get out of the dating game. Why drag a lady through the muck you’re going through? It’s okay to be alone -you’re divorcing, after all! Again -go buy a cuddle or a rub & tug!
Thanks, once again, DDR. Jack will never have to pay for any cuddles, but his honesty from the start would’ve been greatly appreciated. I could’ve spent an additional day with my friend Jill (Unexpected Reunion).
OK not being the devils advocate and…one of my close friends is the lady who coined the term Sex Work(er), Scarlot Harlot. I I’m making a doc about her life. I digress. Research has proven that yes, Virginia, drop-dead gorgeous men do purchase a cuddle. Yup. Its not just for trolls.
Making a documentary? Sounds very interesting and I’d love to hear more. If you have time, send me an email message.
Long time reader, first time poster. Melani, you are truly an intrepid traveler. And I agree about the separation issue-most states only recognize being married, single or divorced. No such thing as a “legal separation”-short hand for not divorced.
Don’t want to pile on Jack who seriously seems to be making an effort at aquiring the tools and empathy to make a relationship more than a superficial encounter.
Thank you, Sapphire, for following the blog and now for your comment. Yeah, the “separated but not divorced” status should be avoided. There’s just too much damage that the divorce process causes to people. Anyone needs time to recover. That being said, I’m not sure if “Jack” will ever manage to get beyond superficial. Perhaps with someone as beautiful as he it will take the aging process to provide the catalyst. He’s sure not there yet–or wasn’t when I met him (your comment is several months after the date and I haven’t spoken to him since). Thank you again, Sapphire and I hope I can keep you entertained enough to continue to read the blog.
Wow Mel! So interesting. I was riveted reading this. I really proud of you; and your Unexpected Reunion post made me cry. I am so glad you are a part of my family’s history.
It sounds like you just came into this Jack’s life at a weird time. It’s probably hard to be 100% present and show your deepest sides with the hollow grief he must be feeling. The annoying part is he seeked you out. But I’m convinced after 27 years that no one knows what the hell is going on. Least of all with themselves. Love you Mel! Keep up the good work!
Taylor, THIS is another unexpected reunion! Sweet girl. Thanks for your comment and I think you’re right because I question what the hell is going on all the time and I’m practically double your age. Big hugs, Taylor. So glad to hear from you!
You have stated many times in prior blog posts that you dont date anyone who lives outside of Manhattan. Have you softened on this stance? Because in the comments section, you said the distance wouldn’t bother you. I do hope that if the right guy came along and he lived beyond the NYC transit system, you would consider him. Based on this story, it sounds like a yes and thats a good thing.
John, I’m trying to avoid a commute with men I meet through online dating. I’ve dated outside the city and it always seems to become a hassle but I guess I am softening my stance on other locations. As I move along this tricky path I think I’m a bit more open to exploring the possibilities especially since I’ve had “so much success” with sticking to Manhattanites. I guess if the right guy came along his zip code would ultimately be irrelevant.
Well, I’m glad I checked back to read the comments and am thrilled to see that “Jack” did actually continue to read your blog [even though he said he could not]. Even more interesting of course is his response. I’m kinda wondering if what happened with Jack was just this…Maybe he thought he was ready to jump out there, but after meeting you and being with you…seeing that you were the whole package–he then realized because he did have so much going on in his life now…that he really wasn’t ready as he thought he was. I hope that he wasn’t really trying to deceive you in any way and that your date just made him realize that the timing is wrong for him. He does have a great many distractions pulling at his emotions at this time–too many life changers for anyone. I still think Jack sounds like a great guy with a lot to offer when the time comes that he can focus on developing a new relationship. If it’s meant to be, I’m sure you will have the chance to reconnect again, at a later date!
Melani,
Maybe it is just the English but I think men find it far harder to be as deeply open as women. It is not that they don’t want too, it is just that they find it very, very difficult. ( Speaking as an utterly ugly bugger – limp, hunch back, you know the sort).
Fetlock, I do understand that British men are less likely to open up. If you’re reading in chronological order, Bernard, the man I dated in “Dude Looks Like A Lady” is British and he told me the same. Unfortunately, with Jack it seems to be a lack of need to develop anything beyond his beautiful exterior. Inside there wasn’t much (you’re reading this many months after it occurred and I’ve had some after-blog post experiences with him). Thanks for your comment. It’s not often that a hunchback with a limp writes to me
.
I have nothing to say, just sitting here with my pets. Three Water Bugs, and a roach running across the room, I guess he’s late for work. I’m just enjoying Melani and all the blogs.