Feeling Blue
I’ve been in a funk.
It’s getting to me—this online dating challenge.
I’m going on dates with men I’d never, EVER date in real life. In the process of attempting to be more open to different sorts of men, I’ve compromised my standards–something I never wanted to do.
I’m making a swift correction here and NOW.
I’m also going to start reaching out to men. In the past I’ve waited for them to contact me, but no more. Three days ago I joined a new site. I’ve sent out four messages to men that I believe I’d date if I met them in the real world. So far I haven’t heard back from any. That’s OK, I’m sure they’ve got a plethora of women skulking around their profiles. They’ll get to me and if not I’ll move on to someone else who’s Real World Dateable.
Tonight I’m going to see Ghost, The Musical, on Broadway.
My friend chose the day that worked best with her schedule (since I have no life) and that’s quite ironic. Tomorrow is my late husband Neal’s birthday. He would’ve been sixty years old. It’s hard to think of him at that age. He was always so youthful and hip.
He would hate being sixty—I know that for sure.
That’s probably another reason I’ve been feeling sad. For so long these “special” dates had little importance. I missed him so much I couldn’t catch my breath every single day. I’m much better now–it’s these big occasions that have a new significance. When I first got to New York I noticed small plates on benches in Central Park. I took a photo of one and posted it on my Facebook wall. I thought it was a beautiful memorial.
We fell in love on this island
She owned my soul from the beginning before we even met
Although I loved the sentiment I never needed a place to go—I felt him around me all the time. Before my loss, when I heard the bereaved speak of their loved ones near, I attributed it to grief induced magical thinking. Then something happened to me.
Here’s an excerpt from my memoir:
Neal and I talked about what happens when we die. He was certain there was more than this life. His conviction cemented by a childhood in a devoutly Catholic household. In his family getting to heaven was not a hope but a requirement. I was a skeptic with no formal religious upbringing to support that theory but as his inevitable death became clear I asked for a promise that if such a place existed, he must find a way to contact me.
“You have to find a way to let me know you’re alright.” I told him on that last day. “Do you promise? It can’t be anything subtle, I have to know it’s you.”
“If there’s a way to do it I will,” he said, his voice hardly a whisper.
Then, at 5:13 pm–It happened.
In a physical, concrete, irrefutable way, my husband gave me the confirmation I’d asked for. My darling daughter witnessed it too. There was nothing subtle about it, nor logical explanation except that he had done what he’d promised. He confirmed death wasn’t the end.
Now I rarely feel him and wish I had a spot to go to on special occasions.
He loved this city that was his home long before it was mine. Yesterday I walked around the park with the dogs. I was seriously considering a memorial bench but then had to laugh as I recalled an incident.
“Mel, don’t sit there!” He admonished. “God knows the filth that’s on that bench and now it’s all over your clothes.”
Then he did this shudder thing.
Then I suggested he was more of a chick than me.
If I honored his life with a bench I’d have to sanitize it regularly. I doubt the Parks Department would allow me to attach a container of disinfectant wipes.
I do know what the plate would say:
Please Clean Before Being Seated
Do It For Neal
Probably a bad idea but there’s no reason I can’t sit and reflect on someone else’s bench. Here are some of my favorites:
So tonight I’ll see Ghost and tomorrow on his birthday I’ll remember him in my own way. I probably won’t feel his presence and I’m OK with that. As rough as online dating has been, I can handle it. Sure, after a string of horrible dates I’ll take some time to wallow.
BUT, if I compare what I’ve made it through and where I am today, all the nightmarish dates I’ve been on so far are simply a walk in the park.
”Please show yourself, I would love to see you.” Lisa Niemi
Hang in there Melani! I know it’s pretty brutal out there in the online dating world sometimes…I remember feeling pretty crappy when I got rejected by guys I wouldn’t have dated anyway! I love your blog posts and can’t wait for your memoir to come out…
Thank you so much, Annette. Horrible thing to get rejected by those we would reject–but it is kind of funny.
Hey, I feel your pain about the online dating thing! And while I find your Tales from the Trenches blogging style entertaining, maybe it’s time, since you are feeling so frustrated, for you to focus on your own needs and wants more. Blogging is a seductive medium, but where does it lead? Drama and suffering get more attention than a calm and happy reality.
I realize that you gave yourself a “year of online dating” when you started this, but sometimes it seems like you are more interested in writing about your dating adventures than in really finding a quality man. I just looked at your first entry, which you closed with, “We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”
So wallow for a bit, then get back out there with your head held high!
Thanks, Robin. When you read my first post you should’ve also read that I am in this for a year UNLESS my cyber Prince Charming (or George Clooney) show up. I’d be very happy to turn over the reigns to one or more of the guest bloggers I’ve recruited in case it happens. Then the readers would just get the occasional blissful love post from me–or simply musings on anything I feel like. There’s nothing seductive about blogging. It’s hard, time consuming and downright embarrassing on many occasions. I do it because this was the narrative I was looking for and couldn’t find. I do it because it is comforting to commiserate with other people (men and women) all over the world about the same things we’re all experiencing. That’s why I do it.
Good luck and I hope you do find love so you have someone special to ring in 2013 with
Me too, Robin!
Melani,
I have read your blog…all of it…with great interest. I’m also 50 and dating but in my case it’s due to divorce. I haven’t dated since I was 19 and met the man I would marry. Let me tell you, things have changed. Or I have changed. Or, most likely, both.
This post, though, spoke to me in a different way and I want to share two things. A thought (my own) and a story (not my own). The thought, first. If you wish you had a special place, somewhere to go specifically to think about Neal, then create one. It doesn’t have to be a place that belonged to the two of you once upon a time, it can be a place that belongs to the two of you now. And whatever you want to do there…think, meditate, toss a penny, place a flower, journal, lie on your back and look up at tree branches…whatever works will be good and right and special because when you bring your thoughts and memories of Neal with you it becomes the right place.
The story? Here it is, with credit given to whoever created it.
I am standing at the seashore, watching a ship spread her sails to the breeze and head to the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength. I watch until she hangs like a speck of cloud where the sea and sky come to mingle. Someone at my side says “She is gone.” Gone where? Gone from my sight, that is all. She is just as large in mast, hull and spar as she was when she left my side. Her diminished size is in me, not in her. And just at that moment when someone says “She is gone,” there are other eyes watching her coming and other voices ready to take up the glad shout. “Here she comes!” And that is dying.
Beautiful story, Lori. Thank you so much for sharing and also for your suggestions. When Neal died I couldn’t get rid of a thing for the first year. After that I got a trunk and filled it with the stuff I couldn’t live without. I gave everything else away. I used to open it all the time and roll around in the memories. Now it’s been a year since I’ve done that. It’s the place I’ve created to remember. I can take it with me anywhere I go. Thank you again for sharing.
Lori -thanks so much for this advice … my husband died in December and I REALLY needed to hear this. Thanks Melani, for the great blog
Hi Melani-
Sorry you are in a funk…I’m kinda getting used to mine…got a dating story for you…ok, have seen this man downtown for about 6 mths. Last winter standing in line at the same deli, he commented on how striking my red coat was…fast forward 6 mths…we speak on the elevator, exchange names, companies, etc. Three days later I get a phone call from him…so far so good…seems like a gentleman until I get a tasteless email cartoon screaming “I am a Republitard”! Really? I sent back a reply saying if he wanted a nice little Repub girl…that I was not it…he suggests we leave politics out of conversation until we get to know each other a bit more…fine…meet for coffee…easy conversation…all from his side of the table…ok…a few days later…meet for a glass of wine…first he is late! One of my pet peeves…then he is on and off his phone…Oh, I need to take this…really? Then again taking the conversation hostage…how great he was back in the day…war stories…how wonderful and successful his kids are…Meanwhile I am sucking down another glass and plotting my exit…until…the part about the kid’s mother…ok, in typical fashion he declares her “crazy”…who would have seen that coming? Then the bomb…well, you know we aren’t technically divorced…just decided to live totally separate lives and keep our toys and money…At that point my head snapped up straight and I told him how unhealthy that situation was. Then I stood, got my purse and told him it was too bad he suddenly wasn’t as interesting as he was before and flounced my a#% out of the restaurant…then I followed up with a text to the effect…”you know, you really shouldn’t waste people’s valuable time…absolutely pathetic!”
So, again …I AM DONE! How many times do I have to be hit over the head with this? Back to the cold wine and the good books! Yay!
Hey, we can’t let them win!
Dana, you’re a funny writer. You should be blogging these stories. Thanks for the laugh on a funky day.
Hang in there Melani! Even cowgirls get the blues.
As my favorite poet Pablo Neruda wrote “Love is so short, forgetting is so long”.
Take a day and wallow. And then the next day put on your big girl panties and get out there. You is beautiful, you is smart, you is kind…….
Cindy
Thanks, Cindy. Love that line from The Help. Thanks for the smile.
Thank you for such a heartfelt and beautiful post. May we all find happiness.
Here, here, Paulius.
I think summer must just be a really sucky time to be dating since there hasn’t been one single appropriate man who has written to me (lots of ones who, I swear, must not have read my profile, or, well, not my physical type, or – and this is true – are the recently exhusband of an aquaintence and has met me on many occasions but somehow failed to recognize me despite my looking-like-me photos.) And I haven’t seen any I want to write to. So, if you don’t mind sharing what new dating site you found, I would be appreciative. And, glad you had Neal, even if he couldn’t stay as long as you both would have liked.
R.J., thank you for your message. I agree, the choices this summer are bleak. I’m glad I had Neal, too and I like the way you described it: he couldn’t stay as long as you both would have liked. Perfected put.
Melanie — been doing the same thing of trying to get out of my normal types and it’s kind of brutal and exhausting. Sorry about that for you
On a good note — I’m meeting your friend pete who I hope will be my friend pete for drinks on Saturday!
Rosie, I’m happy that you’re meeting Peter. He’s a keeper as a friend and who knows where it might lead. Have fun!
I am here to tell you that on line dating can work. I met a very lovely woman on Senior People Meet, and we recently celibrated our second aniversary of dating. It has certainly had it’s ups and downs, but has gotten very good in the last year. Where it will go is difficult to exactly say. We have a very big barrier to moving past just dating. My wife of 25 years has been institutionalized for the last several years with very severe alzheimer’s (has had no reconition of any family for 2 years)-but may live for quite some time-so, I am legally married. My lady is religious/moral-and this significantly bothers her-she is a widow.
I would never have met her without on line dating. So, hang in there-it can work! PS- I am 65 and she is 61.
Bill, thank you for sharing your story. I’m so sorry to hear about your wife and know how painful it must be to watch her decline. I’m glad you found someone to love. I will say that if I were friends with the woman you’re dating I’d tell her to let go of the moral/religious stuff that’s preventing her from moving to the next step. The wife you were married to is gone and it’s no different than being a widower. I’d tell her to JUMP and the rest of the world be damned if they don’t like it. Thank you again for the pep talk.
Dear Melani,
I’ve wanted to say this for a while – I think that you should stop doing the online dating. I think, from what you write, this type of dating brings you down, and I’d even say feels somewhat degrading to you. And from what you describe about your true self, this is not you at all. I fear that, for the most part – and I am sure that there are exceptions – you’re going to find the wrong kind of men doing online dating. As for your writing, I bet that you can find some way to continue what you like about blogging, either with your blog or some other format. These are just my thoughts, of course. I feel that life is too short to go through what you’re going through. And you obviously have a rich life with your daughters, family and friends which would be even more enjoyable without this aggravation. As for meeting a new love, I send you the link to this “Vows” video from the NYTimes web site, that tells the story of “Tony & Irene”. That’s how I hope you meet someone.
All the best,
Elizabeth
Thanks, Elizabeth. I agree, online dating does bring me down, but I’ve made the commitment to do this for a year and I’ll stick to it. I figure that even if I don’t meet the right guy online the possibility of meeting someone through the experiences I’m having (and writing about) is possible. I’m in it for a year and then I’ll blog about other things. I do appreciate your advice and accuracy on evaluating where I am emotionally. I also think I feel about the same as anyone who’s gone the online dating route. Thanks for the video–how lovely they found each other.
Here is the link:
http://video.nytimes.com/video/2009/12/12/fashion/weddings/1247466092679/vows-tony-irene.html
Elizabeth
Melani, maybe you just need a break for a week or two. The selfish person in me wants you to never stop online dating! It is too entertaining to read! However, I don’t know how you have lasted this long. What little experience I have had with it was really depressing, I wouldn’t blame you a bit for quitting. Take some time off and re-group. I think the new approach might make the difference. Hang in there girl!
Thanks, Dovie. Good advice. I think my new Real World Dateable men only will be a natural break–and one I do feel I’ve earned. Whew!
Dear Melani,
What a terrific writer you are, always getting to the heart. xo
I am thinking of you today and hoping it will be a peaceful day for you. This post was so touching, it made me cry. I love the benches, and your story about Neal and the bench.
Thank you so much, Kellie.
Sorry to read you are in a bit of a low point right now. While some of us only know you through your blog it’s safe to say we are supporting you in our hearts.
Peace
Thanks, Scott. I’m OK. Just had a tiny rough patch but I’ve rallied.
Hi Melani
I was intrigued that you asked Neal to give you a concrete sign that there was life after death and he did it for you. I’m sure this is a very personal moment for you, but could you please share with me what sign he gave you? I was raised Catholic and I confess that sometimes, briefly, doubts fly into my mind about whether there really is a spiritual life after death. I would be grateful if you would tell me what Neal did to show you. Thanks!
This is Tim from Ottawa, your new Canadian friend
Hello, Tim! If you’ve read any of the comments you know how I feel about Canadians. Even Mother Teresa had doubts about anything beyond this life–I think it’s human nature, right? I won’t share the exact occurrence because it’s something that I reveal in the book. I will tell you that it was not something that could be explained away. It involved technology and my daughter Morgan witnessed it too. It changed everything for me–as those sort of experiences usually do. Thanks for taking the time to comment.
Thanks, Melani! When can we look forward to your book?
Apologies for the delayed response, Tim. I didn’t see your question earlier. I am hoping to publish the book in 2013 but if you’re subscribed to the new blog melanirobinson.com you’ll be the first to know. Thank you, again!