I’m An Asshole
I believe in calling it as I see it and there’s no doubt I deserve this one.
After several conversations, I agreed to meet William for our first date. I have recently been exploring the option of dating men outside of Manhattan. I’ve not changed my online profile so the “Manhattan only, please” is still in place but if a guy reaches out from distant lands like Hoboken, Long Island or even Poughkeepsie, I’m willing to consider a passport stamp.
William is from Long Island.
I noticed the longer we talked the more frequently he referred to himself as “Billy,” he also began signing his email messages with the nickname.
I struggle to grasp why any person past the age of seventeen would continue to use the child’s version of their given name. That applies to either gender: Susan or Sue, fifty years old and still going by Suzy or the godawful Suzy-Q?
Grow up, already.
William let me know he had a successful business—many times. I shared that although I thought success was a nice thing, I wanted to know more about him from a personal perspective. When he asked me out he said, “Oh, and I’ll come your way.” Now, I know that seems like a simple statement but it didn’t sit well with me. It implied that he was doing me a favor. I wanted to say, “No shit, you’ll come my way. I don’t want to commute to date.” I held my tongue and chastised myself for being bitchy. During our conversation we talked about why certain people were online. William shared that he had been on several dates since joining the site three weeks ago. He said the common theme he’d heard from his dates was that the guys were idiots. I agreed and told him I’d had my share of those. I then told him of something my friend Chloe told me. She said a male friend of hers felt that the majority of men online “have no game.” If they did they’d be able to get a date. His theory was that with the amount of available women outnumbering men (in the tri-state area), if a guy is online he couldn’t cut it in the real world. I’ve often thought the same thing. William said with the information he’d gotten from other women, he agreed.
So when Billy suggested we go on a city bus tour—you know, those double-decker, bright red machines, I wasn’t exactly jumping for joy. But with my new outlook I decided to roll with it.
Then he suggested we meet at 10 am so we could make it a daylong date since he was coming all that way into the city and he also said the it would be “his treat.”
Another No Shit Moment.
I don’t know about you, but the last thing I want to do is be stuck anywhere with someone I’m not enjoying–a first date is always a crapshoot. The 10 am start time only made it worse.
Have I told you I’m not a morning person? I’m always up early but try to avoid talking until noon.
On the day before our date I got the following message from Billy:
I got game and I’m bringing it!
See attached.
Billy
Here’s the attachment:
Now here’s where I go to Assholeville. I sent the following message to my older daughter:
Here’s my date for tomorrow. First, the name, Billy. He started out as William. Second, he’s taking me on a NYC bus tour that starts at 10 am. Next, he told me, “It’s my treat” like I didn’t know he’d be paying. AND then lastly, the latest message below. Can I cancel now?
I hit send, felt a little better after my mini-rant and knew my girl would feel my pain.
Thirty minutes later I’d heard nothing from my daughter but I did have another message from Billy.
God, please don’t let it be another cyber flower, I thought, as I opened it.
Nope, here’s what it said:
My date, we shall call her Melanie or more recently Pompous.
Firstly, the name either Billy or William. My dear friends call me Billy and that’s what I thought we were becoming – was I so very wrong:
Second, I floated several ideas and she was supposed to proffer several as well, but never did. Something about “packing hell”.
In this day of equality and clarity a mention of “my treat” is erroneously considered to be some type of social fau paux.
Third, she mentioned time and again how men on the web have no GAME. Seems she forgot to mention that she has no sense of humor.
And then LASTLY, a romantic gesture of a digital rose between online professionals is ridiculed.
She is of course free to exercise her lady’s prerogative and coldly cancel via Email.
Melanie, I do so love the banter and my compliments on your having played “the game” and naive me so very well.
Billy
SHIT!!
Guess who mistakenly replied instead of forwarding?
Just call me Ms. Tech-Savvy.
He was right. He did ask for my ideas and I was in packing hell with my youngest daughter. She just moved to Vermont with her girlfriend. I certainly could’ve suggested something else, but I didn’t.
I considered deleting the message but instead I had to own it. I sent Billy a message apologizing in as many ways possible in one paragraph. I explained that wasn’t my way of canceling the date, rather I had accidentally sent him the message intended for my daughter (I’m certain that revelation made it so much better), I wrote that I had no justification for my awful behavior and I told him that I’m an asshole.
He called immediately.
NO!!!
I didn’t want to answer, but then I would have to add coward to my list of despicable personality traits.
I answered with another apology and explained that although I did feel those things, I would’ve told him much more delicately if we continued to see each other.
He asked if I still wanted to go on the date.
Who was this guy, Ghandi?
I would’ve given him the boot. He actually stated that he was impressed with my ballsy message.
I was duly shamed.
So, the next morning, bright and early I met Billy at Madame Tussaud’s Wax Museum on 42nd Street where the tour began. We climbed aboard the bus and headed out. Strange as it may sound, I actually enjoyed the tour. Here’s what I learned:
The Paris, a tavern in the Downtown district is said to be the place Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid planned their Bolivian escape.
The Fraunces Tavern, the place where General George Washington said goodbye to his officers at the end of the American Revolution and returned to his Mount Vernon home.
SoHo has the most cast-iron buildings in the world. If I’m completely honest, I never knew it had any.
When the tour ended we backtracked to the best pizza in NYC (according to our guide), John’s Pizza on Bleecker Street in the West Village.
We chatted over our food and Billy told me he doesn’t think he’ll be on the site much longer since he’s narrowed it down to two women.
I wasn’t one of them.
“Why am I here?” I asked, trying not to sound snotty since I’d already demonstrated proficiency in that area.
“Because I wanted to fulfill my obligation.”
The minute I hit “Send” and that doozy of a message went to Billy’s Inbox, his virtuous card should’ve expired. Depak Chopra would’ve called me a bitch.
“Out of all the women I’ve dated you look the most like your photos,” Billy said, so at least it wasn’t false advertising.
I offered to pay my share of the bill. He declined, I paid the tip then thanked Billy and wished him well.
During the cab ride home I decided my atonement would be two things: I would watch The Real Housewives episodes with a critical eye. With every catty, nasty, rotten thing they said or did I would tell myself, “See, that’s you.”
I also knew I must share my shame on the blog. Perhaps I should reconsider my lack of religion. Confessing to a priest would be far less humiliating.
“He took you on a bus tour? What’d he come in from Ohio?” My friend “Chloe”
Accidents happen, Melanie! You ended up having a decent time and learned things about your city. He didn’t take your ” wrong email” too seriously. And it creates a great blog post.
Thanks, Laura!
Priceless……. I’m still laughing.
Glad to make you laugh, Carrie!
So you are a morning person! I’m usually in bed by noon.
This is great funny stuff. You must have two of the things I am missing. I would never share this stuff to the world; I’m a pretty private person. At some point in my career I should have applied to the CIA. They would never find anything on me at all and assume I was Carlos, the Jackal.
Thanks, Carlos!
Moved to tears of laughter at this one. You call it like it is in your inimitable fashion. And I’m “Game” to take that tour bus ride if you want a repeat. Or we can do the uptown loop. Let’s wish William well.
Ha! You do make me laugh, too! Uptown loop, for sure. Downtown is so last week.
Perhaps what with meeting Mr. Normal, you are not too focused on dating the next guy? “Cause, while I wouldn’t want to go on a bus tour on a first date (too trapped), if I liked the guy, it would be a great 2nd date (and I’m a native New Yawker). Also, (and cause I like the cyber you I’ve come to know), I’m going to let slide your horror of nicknames that end in “y” or “ie.” My good friends and family use the “nickname” with me – and the only reason I don’t ask people upon meeting to call me that is that in my mind it is a name that only people who know me and like me can call me. (formal vs. informal). And my mother, who was a well-respected professor, went by her “childhood nickname” until she passed away in her late 80′s.
The rose, however, is perhaps too much, unless meant, you know, “ironically.”
But GOOD for you for being game enough and brave enough to apologize and to go on the date. And good for “Billy” for being enough of a gentleman to let you write about him. (And I think he musta gone on the date because he wanted to meet you – not to fulfill an obligation.)
RJ, perhaps I’m distracted by MN, but I don’t think so. I’ll have to ponder that one. On the cutesy names, Just too precious for me so I’m holding firm, but I’m an asshole–no doubt about that. Billy was gracious and although he already had his sights on two other ladies, he did show up. He is certainly a good sport.
Way to own it since you earned it. He sounds awesome! Well, minus the rose. Sounds like you were suffering from dating burnout. We all have our bad days. Regarding the Billy vs. William; it may just be a matter of comfort level. I know for me, it’s easy to tell my close friends from acquaintances by the name they call me, Beckie/Rebecca.
Beckie, most of my friends call me “Mel” so I do get the shortening of names. It’s just hard to understand how a grown man would do business using the name Billy. Again, just my opinion. I certainly earned the title of Asshole and there’s nothing left to do except own it.
I’m actually kinda floored at this whole thing.
1. Judging on his name, Billy? People have nicknames, which they share as they become more familiar. When I’ve noticed that, my first response has been: “I see you used Matt instead of Matthew. Which do you prefer – I like to know that I’m using the name that’s more comfortable for you.” It’s opened up fun conversations about how people ended up with the less monikers they know themselves by.
2. Really? That sour a reaction to a tour bus. A male friend of mine always used to arrange his dates at the Museum of Natural History and Central Park. Why? Because these were less noisy, less formal environments that allowed people to walk, talk and get to know someone else – even it if was at a touristy spot in NYC. My first reaction – as a native NYer mind you – was “Ha! Fun. A chance to sit, dish and get to know someone without navigating the subway, a menu and to see perhaps places that the jaded NYer in me wasn’t even aware of.” I took it as a desire to do something less formal.
3. Then there’s the ‘men pay for everything’ perspective… No, just: no.
D, to each his own on the name issue. Judge me for judging him if you will. And try being stuck anywhere on a bad date. At least with the Museum or Central Park there’s an escape–a tad hard to do on a moving vehicle unless you’re a stuntman. An exit from Billy wasn’t necessary–he was quite nice–but with the amount of crazy stuff that’s happened to me with online dating I’m a bit gun-shy. On the “men pay for everything” I’ve been down this path in earlier posts and won’t be addressing it again. It’s my belief, ESPECIALLY on a first date and I’m sticking to it.
Hey again, Melani…you have owned it so give yourself a break now…if Billy had not had a sense of humor this could have been pretty esteem wrenching. Everything happens for a reason…I hate it when well-meaning friends spout that…but it is true…I guess the take away would be to breathe before hitting “send” or “forward”….I’m guilty of the same thing…and I totally understand the “gun shy” thing…I find myself hurrying to find something “wrong” early on so I can get the disappointment/potential relationship over with…nice attitude, huh? I also realize I have absolutely no business dating now…chin up…you are only human!
Dana
Thanks, Dana. Yep, I think the breath before hitting Send or Forward is sage advice. I guess after going on many dates that morphed into something freaky, one goes into self-protection mode. I surely know what you mean by that. If I haven’t met someone when this year is up, I’ll take a big break from dating. I’m thinking at least 6 months. It takes a toll, for sure. Thanks again!
Pretty funny! I let out a very audible “OH NO.” after reading the paragraph titled with ‘SHIT’ in red 18-point font. Both dogs awoke from their naps and stared at me.
…As for Billy, he seems like a trooper. And good for you for taking your licks. I’d say a passable date. At least great fodder for your next cocktail party.
If your dating pool extends beyond Poughkeepsie to the wrong side of the Mississippi, keep me in mind. I’m keeping a ledger of your rules.
Stevie
Poor doggies. My screwup disrupted their nap. Billy was a good sport and it does make for good cocktail party fodder. I don’t get invited to many, but I’ve got lots of material if I do. Heck, I’m officially extending the dating pool. I’ve got a great first date idea for someone commuting to NYC from the wrong side of the Mississippi. There’s this red bus….. Thanks, Stevie!
When it comes to online dating – I think we’re all rookies. And therefore, we make rookie moves and rookie mistakes with a degree of regularity and maybe a bit of distasteful grace.
It’s the professional online dater that we should truly worry about and be afraid of.
Rod, I hope I’m not entering the professional realm. If so, after this current boondoggle, I should be fired. Actually, after all the nonsense I’ve been through, I am a rank amateur. Thanks for the comment.
OMG – I loved it! My heart stopped for you as soon as you said you sent the text to your daughter…because I’ve done that before, too – thankfully, on a smaller scale – but suffice it to say that with any text I send, I now check, double check, and triple check the “TO:” field….LOL And, IMHO the best message he sent you was the reply to it – I liked that he ‘bit back’ a little – because the “virtual rose” alone might have been enough for me to back out of the date…
I agree, Donna. His response was spot on. The perfect combination of guilt and snottiness. Major props to Billy. That virtual rose seems to have the same impact on lots of women. Just something so cheesy about it. Thanks for the comment!
I LOVED the blog. It showed a different side of you.
But guys can still have nicknames!
Thanks, Joel. A nickname is a fine thing, but the cute-ifying of one’s name is quite another thing, IMHO. Especially when you’re 50 plus. At some point it’s time to be a grown up guy. Glad I showed you a different side. I probably have a few more. Thanks for the comment!
Oops! You may have temporarily earned the asshole title but at least everyone was a good sport about the whole thing.
Could have been worse.
Oops is right, Scott. Billy was certainly a good guy considering my blunder. It sure could’ve been worse!
Your post had me cringing from beginning to end… and I agree with Donna, I may have run at the sight of the cyber flower too!!
Krista, sorry for the cringe, but at least my writing made you feel something. Note to all guys: the cyber flower is highly overrated. Thanks for the comment!
Melani, here’s what I get from your post in a nutshell: you are honest and you are genuine, foibles and all. How refeshing. Your candor is appreciated—imperfections and all—precisely the characteristics of an authentic person.
Kellie, thank you so much for the kind things you wrote. I had some truly bad behavior with Billy so I’m happy to hear that it’s not defining me as a bad human being. I felt horrible and I’m glad it all worked out in the end. Thank you again!
You know “Billy” really hadnt narrowed it down to two women….He only said that because no man’s ego can take rejection. He did meet you becuae he wanted to; not to fulfill an obligation.
Could be, Jeanne. Great insight!
Oh, golly. Poor Billy. Not much you can do here except own it and then let it go and maybe take a lesson from it. Sounds like you’ve done that, whether the lesson is to check your emails closely before sending (!!!) or to relax your hold just a bit on what makes an acceptable date. I know the times I’ve gotten caught up in what my standards need to be for any given situation, the universe has a good chuckle, generally at my expense.
That whole nickname thing is a challenge. Down here in the South, it’s not unusual for men to be Billy or Johnny or Davy well beyond the years when you think they would have put on their big boy pants. I get that and okay, I’ll accept it as family or cultural tradition, but I still have a huge problem voting for a politician who still calls himself Skippy.
Lori, you made a good point about the South. I don’t think Billy has Southern roots, but who knows? I agree that an elected official named Skippy would have to work extra hard to earn my respect, let alone my vote. Thanks for the comment!
Nothings changed, still enjoy the humor in the writing. Why am I reading this blog? because it’s Friday and I’m burnt out on bars and being 50 and watching the 20+ yr olds have all the fun?
Online dating..is it the last hope? What is it with people using online dating? As your article mentions, is it because they have no game? Or she doesnt get asked out by those around her at work or play?
From Texas its the exact same conversations, online dating
Online Dating is “all the above” I guess.
Good luck Melanie, I give you 5 stars for trying!
What will you do after your years up?
RS, I’m working on what I’ll do when the year is up. I have a few ideas and I’ll certainly keep blogging–just not so regularly. I won’t be online dating, that’s for sure so the blog will transition to my next thing. I agree, bars aren’t much fun anymore. I do remember lots of good times in my twenties and thirties, though. Thanks for continuing to follow along and thanks for your comment.
I can relate to your big oops. Thought I did it myself this week with a text. Fortunately, I sent it to my friend, not the guy. But had a moment of panic.
I actually just had my very first date with a guy I met on line. Painful! Lasted only 1 hour, but felt like several. How do you keep at it?
Carolyne, it can wear you down, for sure. I’ve had too many painful dates to count. Hang in there!
Oh dear Lord. Not only have I done something similar (called a co-worker an idiot but accidentally copied her on the message), but guess what my last BF’s name was…. and I ALWAYS hated it. Think how I felt when the receptionist announced over the PA system that “Billy” was calling.
Nancy, hahaha, Billy over the PA. Too funny!
I just barely stumbled across this blog today, and my first impression was “she’s cute; I’d date her.” after reading this post, my second thought was “no I wouldn’t.”
I understand, Jim. I’m not for every guy, that’s for sure!
Melani,
Thanks for sharing that gong show of an experience… made my evening. I wouldn’t be as mean as to say you should continue online dating for my own enjoyment, but if you do… your readers will appreciate it.
Good luck in the new year.
Thanks, Max! Good to know I made your night–especially with the “I’m An Asshole” post. Thank you for your encouragement to continue writing and I will–just not about online dating. Whew. Thanks again for your comment.
Aww, I kind of like the name Billy. I knew two and they were very cute. But then again, that was college. Maybe I need to grow up. Darn, Melani, I’m learning to be discerning.
Sooo funny…The accidental email reply is something I would do.! After 4 months on Match, one observation I have is that indeed, most guys seem to have no “swag”…very uncool…however they make up for it in conceit and defensive behavior! It does seem logical that they would turn to online dating. I’m loving reading your blogs…can completely relate to all the AH’s.