This morning I crawled to Central Park.
OK, “crawled” is probably the wrong word. I slowly and painfully maneuvered the streets from my apartment to doggie paradise with a stiff-legged hitch-y walk that should only be described as strange. Even Nigel was embarrassed to be seen with me.
Kate just pretended I was her dog walker.
Was I out partying the night before with an amazing man? Did the evening end with bedroom gymnastics that wreaked havoc on my middle-aged bod?
Don’t I wish.
I haven’t been on a date since ending my year of blogging. The highlight of my weekend was buying a new sofa and these days I’m buying flowers for myself.
The reason people on the streets were looking at me oddly as I winced my way east is because I started the Insanity Workout. Yesterday was simply the fitness test portion and I can only assume, by the level of agony I’m experiencing, I failed miserably. Shaun T asked if I was ready to dig deep. “Shut up, Shaun. I’ll be lucky to scratch around the surface for forty minutes.” It took me all of sixty seconds for the perky little six pack abs chick to get on my nerves. She was all bubbly and smiley as I groaned and panted through the process.
Insanity claims that if you do the workout for 60 days you’ll have the beach body that would normally take a year to achieve. Um, we’ll see. I’ve been gearing up for this for about a month. I even bought new shoes and I hate to spend money on footwear that won’t contribute a thing to my wardrobe.
My daughter Morgan has a couple of friends who’ve had amazing results. Granted, they’re twenty-somethings and their nimble bodies spring back much quicker. I’m well aware my lissome days are over, but do I have one more bikini body summer lurking under the aftermath of a sedentary winter?
I’ve let myself go over the last several months and the result is a seven-pound weight gain. I kept it together during my year of online dating. “Put your best ass forward,” and all that. I also had great motivation to stay on top of the weight with the appearances on The Steve Harvey Show.
All it takes is to see one television personality in the flesh to understand just how skinny one must be to appear normal. Believe me, if someone looks slightly chubby on the small screen, they’re probably in need of IV nutrition.
At one time I had a hot body and it wasn’t in my twenties, but my thirties. I’m not saying that to brag. It’s the truth.
I wore a size two and NOTHING jiggled. Sure, I worked out but it was easy back then. I’d go to the gym, lift some lighter weights, take an aerobics class a few times a week and voilà my body rocked. As I’ve said before, the thirties were my glory years for a number of reasons. It was when I discovered the woman buried under the bad marriage and (much too young) motherhood of my twenties. It didn’t hurt to have the outside package to accompany the good stuff going on beneath the surface.
Why the hell didn’t I take nude photos?
I swear I’d have them up in my living room today. In fact, I’d probably forgo any other form of wall adornment for poster-size birthday suit pics anywhere the eye could see.
“Yeah, Time Warner cable guy, those are my lady bits right there on the wall. Give ’em a good look.”
I took the recommended photos of my before body. It is suggested that those participating in the Insanity program download them to the site for everyone to see and so after sixty days you can get the “I’ve Earned It” t-shirt.
Are they out of their fucking minds?
If I’m showing anyone this muffin top he’d better be liquored up, buck naked and ready to tell all kinds of lies. I wouldn’t walk down a flight of stairs for a goddamn t-shirt. Maybe a spoonful of Skippy Natural Creamy with Honey, though.
BUT, I will promise you this. If I make it through the challenge AND I think my body looks reasonably acceptable in a bikini, I’ll post a photo on the blog. So far one day in and I’m ready to quit. Who knew the fat on the side of one’s knees could be so sore? Those bat wing thingamajigs at the back of my armpits, too?
UGH, aging.
This morning as I staggered back from Central Park and into the building my doorman Frank asked about my unusual gait. He’s wanted to try Insanity and quizzed me about it. I have no doubt he’ll have a much easier time than me and when I finally made it to the elevator, Frank yelled one final question my way,
“Are you sure you’re ready for all the attention you’ll have if you get that beach body?”
Now that was snicker-worthy. If I can rock a bikini for one more summer, this time around I’ll be grateful for any second glance I might receive. I’ll savor every moment because today I’m acutely aware of just how fleeting those experiences can be.
BRING IT ON, BITCHES.
“The afternoon knows what the morning never suspected.” Robert Frost
Stan says
I’ve heard the same things about Insanity. That it’s good if you can stick with it.
On the other hand, you live in New York. What floor are you on? You know, stair climbing is a very good workout:
http://blogs.kcrw.com/whichwayla/2013/04/the-hardest-sport-youve-never-heard-of
Melani says
I live on the 16th floor, Stan. I could certainly take the stairs up but I’d probably need to carry a defibrillator so I could zap myself once I reached the top. Thanks for the suggestion, though!
Stan says
It’s not nearly as impossible as it sounds. In the kcrw radio piece, I took the interviewer up a 51-story staircase in downtown Los Angeles. He’d never done it before and he survived all right.
And just for perspective, climbing to the 16th floor would take about five minutes at a moderate pace. And that would burn about 100 calories.
Melani says
Whose moderate pace? You’re a professional climber and I’m just a flabby middle aged city dweller hanging on by fingernails to vanity. I don’t think I could do it in five minutes, Stan, even if I were in the best shape of my life. Sixteen flights? Sheesh, who do you take me for, Jillian Michaels? Right now I’ve done a second date of Insanity and the back of my legs are killing me, I’m struggling to reach up and put a hanger in my closet and the thought of even pouring myself a glass of water seem like too much effort. I’m a mess so the stairs will have to wait until all three elevators in my building are broken–at least for tonight.
Kim says
Good for you! As a 53 year old , who attends boot camp 3 days per week with 20 something skinny minnies, I can say you will rock it! I started last july and love it! I feel strong and fit, and still have the bat wings, and the muscles are also there under under some jiggly bits!
Love this, your latest blog! No date since ending your year?! Are the men crazy there in NYC?!
Kim from Canada
ps
Your flowers need water!!
Melani says
Good for you, Kim! So the bat wings don’t go away? Shit! No dates since January. I’ve kind of been hibernating but it’s warming up now and I’ll get myself out there again soon. Not online. Never online again, but there are all kinds of things to do when the weather gets nice. Thanks for noticing my flowers need water. I’m adding it right now!
Sherri says
Hm. Maybe I’ll look into this. IMO you look great! I’m 59 and up until just a handful of years ago, was blessed with the ability to eat whatever I wanted. Exercise was walking the dogs. That changed a couple of years ago with the arrival of batwings and a muffin top. Ergh.
This weekend, my 17 year old son is taking me hiking. Hiking. Up a mountain. He’s promised not to mock me or leave me. I’ll let you know how it goes.
*off to check the Insanity site*
Melani says
Thanks so much, Sherri! No mocking allowed from the offspring. No matter how foolish we appear. Thanks for the comment.
John says
Forewarned is forearmed, but in this case it won’t help. The second day crawling out of bed after starting a workout hurts more than the first day. It’s the 48 hour rule of muscle pain. Good luck to the dogs in the morning.
Melani says
I know, John. I already thought of that. I did the workout today and I guess I’ve just got to get used to being sore until my body gets in shape. If it works then it’s worth it. The dogs will simply have to be embarrassed for the next few weeks.
r.j. says
I’ve been working out for a while now (about 8 months), and while I’ve lost about 10 pounds by cutting out wheat and rice (and honestly, I wasn’t over weight, those were vanity pounds) – I still have the jiggle and kinda wrinkle under my arms. I’m beginning to think that that is genetic or something. But, we are only a year apart, so if you DO manage to get rid of the batwings, PLEASE let us know. That will give hope to all! And, be careful, I tore some muscles working out and they are still healing. It is much easier to tear things at our age than when younger.And, I haven’t quite given up on online dating yet – and it’s been over a year for me! Of course, I only actually agree to meet about one guy a month (the rest, no way – and a couple of those guys I dated for a couple of months while trying to learn if I wanted to see them more – I didn’t.) – so I’m not quite as burnt out as you.
Melani says
Thanks for the update, RJ. I’ll keep you posted on the batwings.
Tim says
Good for you, Melani! At the end of this, you are going to have that 30’s body and we are going to be very entertained by your stories 🙂 Its a big win-win. Thank goodness, I needed this. I was feeling withdrawl after you stopped writing those immensely amusing blogs about your on-line dating experiences. By the way, you always look good, but my favorite picture of you is from your honeymoon with Neal. You were simply smokin’ hot. No other way to say it 🙂
Melani says
Thanks, Tim. That’s one of my favorites, too. The honeymoon photo was the result of a few things. First of all, we had broken up for a couple of months before we got married. Long story and it’s in the book. I was on the “breakup diet” and was very, very thin. When we got to Paris it was as if it was just our city for those ten days. We couldn’t be reached (U.S. cells didn’t work), we were sleeping 10-12 hours each night, eating amazing food, drinking incredible wine and having sex–many times a day. I think the culmination of all those factors is probably the reason for my appearance in the pic–It was the best ten days of my life. I felt smokin’ hot in Paris. Thank you for your kind words. My software didn’t delete your first comment. I just have to approve a commenter for the first time and then they will automatically appear. You’ve not posted on this website, right? I do agree, though, my software can be such an asshole.
Tim says
Hi Melani
Your software just deleted my comments so I’ll try again.
I’m so happy you’re taking on this Insanity Workout challenge. You’re going to end up with that 30’s body again and we are going to enjoy your entertaining stories along the way. Its a big win-win. And the timing couldn’t be better! I was starting to feel major withdrawl after you stopped your on-line dating adventures. I enjoyed your stories so much. By the way, you always look good, but my favorite picture of you was on your honeymoon with Neal. Smokin’ hot is the only way I can describe it!
Sandra/Chloe says
Melani,
You are my hero for doing 2 days so far.I did one day of insanity! For bat wings: do a plank on your forearms, then a ” push up” by dropping your body while still held straight in the plank, then lift it back to the starting position. No doubt you will be back in the bikini by summer and the dogs will prance proudly.
Melani says
Thanks, Sandra/Chloe. I know that batwing buster position you’re describing. Trainer Amanda had me doing those when she was working with me in Vegas–brutal. Not as brutal as Insanity, though. Even my feet hurt this morning. I wish my girls were around so I had an audience for all this groaning. The dogs are unimpressed and cold as ice.
Jennifer Clement says
I need that tape, send it! Bikini Beach body…Id be happy with the cover up body.
Melani says
Haha, Jennifer. I’ll send the DVDs in 58 days–not that I’m counting or anything :).
Vincent Bradley says
I am a 69 year old trying to get back to my youth and find that the next day can really be hell. Everything hurts, even stuff I didn’t know I had. Next time I will treat my body better all along.
Good luck with dating, I haven’t had one in years.
Melani says
Thank you, Vincent. I’m actually getting used to the pain except my feet. Who knew they would hurt, too?
Laura L says
Keep going Mel because there is nothing more empowering than feeling fit and strong, let alone what it does for your health in the long run. I am 57 and a work out has been my staple for a long time. I’m not a fanatic but I try my best, and I tell you my friends who don’t do the same are falling apart. It won’t be your last year for that bikini and don’t you forget it. The pain just means those muscles needed workin. Have fun! Enjoy the pain. The dogs – if you can get them to the park its all good.
Melani says
Thank you so much, Laura! I am kind of enjoying the pain. At least I know something is happening, right? Thanks for taking the time to write. I’ll remind myself of your sedentary friends tomorrow as I’m doing Insanity. Great motivation!
Louise Corman says
Good for you, Mel! When I sub at the high school’s fitness class, I bring along my buddy Saun T ‘s “Hip Hop Abs” because the kids loved to do it with me–or so I thought. It turns out they just loved to watch me attempt to do Hip Hop. Yes, I’m a dancer, but my attempt at Hip Hop is similar to Steve Martin clapping in “The Jerk”……..who cares? Everyone already knows I’m insane!
Melani says
Louise, I think you’re the coolest person. Jim is one lucky guy. You’ve always been so much fun and fearless and that’s why people are drawn to you. Lucky HS students to have you for their sub!
eileen says
Keep at it Melani-you are an inspiration to me to keep going to the gym.
Melani says
Thanks, Eileen. I’m doing my best.
Annette says
Melani, your post made me laugh out loud! I also have a few pictures that I cry over…what upsets me the most about those pictures is that I remember that when they were taken I thought I was fat!! I would kill to look like that now…what was I thinking? Why couldn’t I just have enjoyed it and rocked it?? You look wonderful Melani, and the best of luck in your Insanity!!
Melani says
Happy to make you laugh, Annette. I know that feeling–looking back on what I thought were my “fat” days. Sheesh! What I’d give for those toned arms. Thank you for your kind comment. I appreciate it so much.
David Heil says
Hey, Mel. At the LA Fitness I used to go to, I met a woman; I’m guessing she in her late fifties. I swear she had a body any 18 year old would envy. Moral of the story? We can’t do anything for the crows feet or wrinkles at the corners of our eyes or our smile. But our bodies can look terrific well into our seventies. Keep up the workout. Sure, it hurts at first, but it gets better. Good luck to you with your “Insanity”. I have no doubt, you’ll knock it out of the park.
Melani says
Thanks, David. I’m not sure any eighteen year old will ever envy this body of mine, but I’m sure trying. I don’t want to get obsessed–I’ve seen women go down that path later in life and it takes over. I enjoy eating too much and I want to continue to enjoy food. Smaller portions, but still all the things I love. I’m surprised at how much my body hurts, still. I’m a month into this and I’m always quite sore. I’m also tired. Some days my legs just don’t want to move. One month left and we’ll see what Shaun T can do for me. After that I hope I have the energy to maintain whatever transformation I undergo. Thanks, again, for your encouragement!
Jim says
Nobody can do Insanity all the way through, not even the hot shots on the DVD. Do what you can, but do it consistently. And nutrition is 70-80% of the battle. The best exercise for a flat tummy is walking… (wait for it) AWAY from the kitchen!
I’m 58 and I’ve lost 65-pounds from a combo of Beachbody’s Power 90, P90X, and Insanity. It’s life changing.
Melani says
I know, Jim! You’re so right about the hotshots on the DVD. Even Shaun T can’t do it the entire way through. It does make me feel better. I agree about nutrition. I’m halfway through Insanity and I’m really going to focus on ever bite I take from now until the end of the 60 day challenge. Congratulations on your weight loss! Wow, that’s amazing and I can certainly see why it would be life changing. I so appreciate your kind message and it makes me happy to hear of your results. I’ll keep at it!
Lisa says
I read this quote a few years back. I love it and live by it now: “Take a picture of your face and remember that in ten years time you will be amazed at how gorgeous you were. Be amazed now.” -Jennifer Pastiloff
It works if you replace “face” with “body” too!
I am a 50 year old widow too, and followed you all through your “Year of Online Dating” just as I was striking out into the dating world. You made me laugh at myself, which is exactly what I needed. Thank you!
Also, if you want the ultimate stair workout, come to Colorado and hike the Manitou Incline with me! http://www.manitouincline.net/main.htm More than 2000 feet vertical gain and about 2000 uneven stair steps starting at 6500 ft elevation. I hiked it most recently 2 days ago and it is an amazing feeling just to get to the top. Not to mention the stunning views.
Melani says
You are quite welcome, Lisa. I’m sorry for your loss and I’m glad you enjoyed the blog. I love Colorado–my youngest went to CU. I’m not very outdoorsy, though. Bug phobic and I never understood hiking. I can’t imagine climbing up a mountain just to come back down. If there’s something at the top–a hot spring or lodge with a great burger–I’m in. A view? Not so much but I envy those who hike or climb for the experience. Basically, I’m a reluctant exerciser. If you read the guest post from my former trainer (on 1yearofonlinedating.com), you know I do it only because I’m vain. DAMN YOU, VANITY!!! Thanks for the comment.